Miss Los Angeles, United States 32 years-old Single
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML
Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML
Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML
Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML
Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said, "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is that low. FML
Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML
Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML
Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML
Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML
Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML
Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML
Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML
Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML
Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML
Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML
Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML
Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML
Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML
Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML
Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML
Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML
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