Aang558811

Candy Andy

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

Today, our dog peed on nearly all the wrapped gifts under our Christmas tree. FML

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

Proper job, mate

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but "it's his dream". I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

Kinky

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

Brain melt

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

Logic

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

Today, I saw a large spider carry away the body of a dead spider in the bathroom. In my anthropology class, we learned one of the first signs of civilization is caring for the dead. First, they become civilized, and next, they take over. I will never sleep again. FML

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

America, hell yeah brother

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

Apple juice, ************

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of two guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

Help!

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

No way

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

Soaking

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

Today, my parents took my iPad back to the store and exchanged it for two cheap knock off tablets. Reason being my little brother threatened to run away because I had one and he didn't. I bought the iPad on my own after graduation. They kept the difference in price. FML

Today, my brother got one of those water-vapour cigarettes. I was playing around with it, and my neighbour saw me through the window. She came over to yell at my parents about my "addiction" to marijuana. When my parents told her to get lost, she called the cops and tried to get me arrested. FML

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my family. They didn't even notice me there until the dog started barking at me because I took his spot. My mom defended the dog, and now I'm sitting on the floor while a Pomeranian takes up half the couch for himself. FML

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

Today, I was prank called yet again by someone asking for a game that was released over 10 years ago. The store I work at only sells modern titles, and I angrily slammed the phone down. My boss saw and fired me on the spot. FML

Not a geography major

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML