Mr Brampton, Ontario 32 years-old Single
Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML
Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML
Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML
Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML
Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML
Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML
Today, I was supporting my aunt as she gave birth. She was getting tired during the pushing stage, so I tried to encourage her by making a show of pushing as well with each contraction. I got a little too into it and accidentally gave birth to a little turd of my own. FML
Today, my boyfriend suddenly stopped in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML
Today, I went to a domestic violence counseling group. I was the only male there, and I explained that my girlfriend punches me in the face in front of my kids. Everyone started laughing. FML
Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML
Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML
Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML
Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML
Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML
Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML
Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML
Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML
Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML
Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML
Today, I had to sit through an entire movie where every time a new character was introduced, the guy sitting behind me would say, "My name is Jeff." FML
Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML
Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom died when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered "Women drivers." FML
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