ignoremeimweird

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Brain fart

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

New experience

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

Angry little kid

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML