Mr Annapolis, USA In a relationship
Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML
Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML
Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
Today, my grandmother's graduation presents came for my sisters. Not only did she remember to send them cards, but money too. My graduation was a year ago, I received nothing, and last time she saw me, she didn't know my name. FML
Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML
Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML
Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML
Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML
Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML
Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML
Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML
Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML
Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML
Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
Today, my mother used climate change as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML
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