madfishergirl

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

Today, my mom started dipping into my college savings, just so she can continue throwing money away on visiting a medium who claims she can channel the spirit of our recently-deceased family dog. FML

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

Freaky

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

Weird request, but OK

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

Don't mind me

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

This is going to be fun

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

Staycation

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

Do not come

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML