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By sadinthesack - 31/08/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 919

You deserved it 10 970

By polluxdc - 10/01/2014 08:20 - United States - Portland

Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 119

You deserved it 7 778

polluxdc tells us more.

polluxdc 10

Saturday 11 January 2014 9:13

OP here. Yeah, I was joking, they aren't always the most sophisticated of jokes, but it gives one a sense of where the kid may or may not be coming from. The kid, unfortunately, was not joking, and I had to explain a few things to her. Thanx for the comments. For those of you who said stop joking around and do your job...it'd be a mighty dreary place if there was no humor (lame as it may or may not be). It IS a portion of our job. This post was mostly meant as a, "f" all our lives if this is what the future holds.

Slap in the face

By deadmedia - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 537

You deserved it 3 943

By swtkiss1 - 18/02/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 939

You deserved it 58 666

All in the Family

By weedvocate - 25/03/2020 14:02

Today, my mother brought home dinner for four people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 810

You deserved it 178

Grand Old Irony

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 02:12

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 051

You deserved it 900

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 21:50 - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 754

You deserved it 18 825

Alexa, play "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 03:48

Today, my boss forbade me from seeing my significant other until they relax the quarantine rules. We live in barracks on the same base. I'm terrified of accidentally running into her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 225

AdrianAmato tells us more.

AdrianAmato 10

Sunday 5 April 2020 22:48

They didn't tell me I can't have a relationship with her, just that we can't visit each other anymore (due to the tighter COVID restrictions) even though we live on the same base and people whose girlfriends live off-base can still visit their girlfriends.

By NotCuteEnough - 24/08/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 611

You deserved it 7 766

By dargas - 09/03/2010 21:08 - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 282

You deserved it 2 705

By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 17:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 994

You deserved it 3 367

By Raela - 04/01/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 849

You deserved it 7 621

By NoCookForYou - 22/08/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 718

You deserved it 5 848

Frustrated

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 845

You deserved it 12 103

By BigDT - 28/01/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 806

You deserved it 4 080

Manhunt

By toad - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 706

You deserved it 6 304

Legit logic

By Carmen VanDiest - 24/04/2020 02:00

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 550

By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 21:48 - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 804

You deserved it 3 298

Bored

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 11:44 - Australia

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 444

You deserved it 7 281

By parenting_failure - 20/03/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 118

You deserved it 8 754

Wow thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 23:00

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 199

By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 697

You deserved it 6 115

What the hell did you do?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 07:01 - United States - Steele

Today, while at a family reunion, my parents kept bringing up horrible things I did when I was about 4-6 years-old that I've been trying to forget for decades. After a while, I just stormed out. When I came back in the room, my dad had the nerve to ask me why I left and why I wasn't talking to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 13:10 - Australia

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 486

You deserved it 7 514

Way to be creepy

By Shoe - 27/02/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 950

You deserved it 40 238

By anon - 03/12/2013 04:26 - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 341

You deserved it 17 613

By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 595

You deserved it 2 947

By Ringless - 25/02/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 329

You deserved it 3 624

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 990

You deserved it 28 111

Don't let it come to this

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 02:01

Today, we had the cops called on us because my son was panicking so much about his first COVID jab, his older sister got fed up, took him outside, put him in a headlock and choked him unconscious so the nurse could jab him. Instead, the nurse called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 1 288

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The Top

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 998

You deserved it 3 245

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 140

Today, I learned that my current boss took my fiancé's virginity back in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 104

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 3 306

Today, my mom refuses to believe that she’s responsible for my anxiety and nervous bowel conditions. She has screamed and berated me literally every day since I can remember. She would burst into my room and accuse me of hiding someone in there, and constantly used her religion to bully me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 151

Today, after a guy I really liked and we decided to have sex, and he gagged and told me I stank when he got 'down there', I broke up with him, badly, but it's now a week later and I’m in hospital with a severe infection down there. He was right, and now he won’t take me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 2 136