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My dog IS trained. Generally, he just needs to be told "heel" or "quiet" and he obeys. However, ever since the baby has come home ( 3 weeks) hes gone into super protective mode. A car door slams and hes "killer guard dog". Its getting ridiculous and I do get exasperated when it happens multiple times within a half hour. He DOES listen when I yell, because its not something I have ever done with him. Afterwards, however, we go through the "heel" command and give treats. He just hasnt settled down yet! Maybe Ill just start yelling "Heel Killer!!" ( totally kidding, calm down, no more yelling for me)

By northernlass - 20/09/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 959

You deserved it 2 684

By Anonymous - 18/09/2010 14:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 432

You deserved it 29 420

By argh - 13/07/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 988

You deserved it 2 524

By SummerTime98 - 27/10/2009 05:44 - Canada

Today, a man came up to me asking for my name. Thinking he was trying to hit on me, I rudely gave him a fake name. He thanked me and walked away. I continued to watch him leaving until I saw him ask another woman for her name and took out a wallet and showed it to her. It was my lost wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 849

You deserved it 64 728

Small world, eh?

By Anonymous - 10/09/2023 06:00

Today, my husband is in the garden smashing a tree stump with a sledgehammer because our 22 year-old daughter brought her first serious boyfriend home. He’s my husband's boss, a man-whore who has been bragging about all the nasty stuff his new girlfriend does to him in bed, unaware of who her dad was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 126

Tracking

By busted - 05/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 2 723

By Anonymous - 09/06/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 509

You deserved it 11 394

Wrong place, wrong time

By And you think I'M crazy? - 22/04/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 130

You deserved it 6 295

By polimeros - 09/05/2012 22:19 - Mexico - Queretaro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 619

You deserved it 41 867

By parenting sucks - 01/07/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 617

You deserved it 5 378

By jaxattax - 20/10/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 568

You deserved it 82 961

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 21:34 - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 571

You deserved it 62 996

Rough

By vela9002 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me, and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men," he said, "Oh yeah, me too, I really like buff guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 981

You deserved it 13 889

By that makes me a sad panda - 19/05/2014 21:44 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 940

You deserved it 4 110

By Anonymous - 11/04/2013 19:38 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 565

You deserved it 8 493

By moosy0_o - 07/04/2013 19:22 - Netherlands - Berlicum

Today, after paying for my groceries, I noticed that a bread-roll hadn't been charged. I felt guilty and went back to the register to pay for it. The cashier burst into derisive laughter and mockingly asked me if I was "running for Pope or something". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 064

You deserved it 8 488

moosy0_o tells us more.

moosy0_o 15

Monday 8 April 2013 9:31

OP here. A few comments: the cashier was a guy, not a girl. I don't know why most of you think that. Also, there were two elderly people waiting in line who were laughing and berating me as some of the commenters here are doing. And I'm a woman from Belgium, not the Netherlands (but FML didn't ask for my country when I posted it). I WAS already out of the store and going home when I noticed it, so I needed to go back into the store, wait for a slow customer to pay while the rest of the cue was wondering why I was standing there like a complete idiot, and then explain to the cashier why I wanted to pay for the bread. By the way, the freshly baked, honestly-payed-for, Italian bun was delicious, after I had cleansed my palate from the disgusting comments I received.