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Not safe for work

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 00:02

Today, I went to move an intimate, very NSFW Word document to a secure folder on my phone. Instead, I accidentally sent it to a printer somewhere in my office building at work. I don't know which of my 40 coworkers or managers has it on their printer for when they arrive tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 2 356

By a person - 05/03/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 735

You deserved it 12 828

You can't explain that

By anonymous - 20/02/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There were around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is, and doesn't think it exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 287

You deserved it 3 410

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 544

You deserved it 4 700

By screwed - 10/02/2013 10:41 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 579

You deserved it 4 298

By Anonymous - 01/06/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 193

You deserved it 130 812

Am I being detained?

By KidJwal - 28/02/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 566

You deserved it 6 979

Her revenge

By Anonymous - 25/02/2020 22:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 791

By Rowden - 26/04/2010 09:58 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 320

You deserved it 9 649

By tryfailtryget11 - 05/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say, "You're adopted, nobody loves you!" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 678

You deserved it 76 881

Welcome to the neighborhood

By Username - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 574

You deserved it 3 241

Perfect?

By NeverGonnaGetAny - 23/02/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 812

You deserved it 24 070

Pay attention

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 659

You deserved it 3 238

Where is this kid now?

By randa - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 142

You deserved it 16 954

By ShylaMarie - 14/02/2012 22:29 - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 553

You deserved it 2 936

By Worried - 16/04/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 966

You deserved it 7 139

Smoking is cool, and you know it

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 766

You deserved it 4 176

By George - 15/01/2013 20:53 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 503

You deserved it 46 716

By legallyblondemad - 29/08/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees when some of his mates turned up in the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 981

You deserved it 5 296

By Z3R0G5 - 06/01/2014 23:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 197

You deserved it 19 267

By noway - 03/01/2014 11:03 - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 943

You deserved it 5 318

Dude, WTF?

By Okay_Then - 01/01/2014 23:49 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 154

You deserved it 3 050

How d'you think?

By Anonymous - 02/04/2020 02:00

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 205

First time?

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 23:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my long-term boyfriend and I went on a romantic getaway. In the hotel we were having great sex, I was so close to… and then he farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 321

Dang y'all

By Kayak - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 901

You deserved it 4 600

Discontent

By cmore - 11/03/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him, because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 215

You deserved it 5 669

By UniverseHatesMe - 26/05/2016 10:04 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 002

You deserved it 853

By PrezKisame - 03/01/2013 20:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to take a shower. Afterwards, I noticed I'd forgotten to bring a shirt to change into, so I put on a towel and went back to my room, only to witness my 14-year-old brother and a friend smelling my bra, commenting on "how warm it is". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 339

You deserved it 2 626

PrezKisame tells us more.

PrezKisame 3

Friday 4 January 2013 4:05

My door doesn't lock. Problem

By Anonymous - 21/08/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 826

You deserved it 3 911

Two-stroke

By sushichick - 15/04/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 803

You deserved it 291

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, after I sent my daughter to her best friend's house for a week, who lives three hours away, her friend's mom got really sick half way through. My daughter came home early because the mom was too sick. Now my daughter isn't feeling well and I just found the mom has the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 130

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 573

You deserved it 7 511

Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they "thought I would be lonely." I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 094

You deserved it 3 190

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 955

You deserved it 3 191

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 505

You deserved it 1 968

Today, I was grocery shopping, feeling good about myself, until when I was waiting in line at the checkout, a small kid in his mother's arms in front turned to look straight at me and said, "Ewwwww." FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 105