The Top

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Help yourselves

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 21:54 - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 474

You deserved it 3 492

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 18:14 - Canada

Today, my sister was playing a rock star in a play. When she got home, she told me she used one of my old guitars, because I told her it was ok. I said she could take one to practice on, not destroy on stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 183

You deserved it 4 057

Checklist

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 492

You deserved it 6 484

By Anonymous - 06/06/2019 14:00

Today, my ex said I had a lot in common with his new girlfriend. His new, grossly overweight, college drop-out, clinically depressed, constantly pot-smoking girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 305

By Graham Watson - 01/07/2019 16:00

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 201

Not now, guys

By Sonofa - 17/05/2013 15:52 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 266

You deserved it 3 812

By for the love of god - 14/05/2013 21:35 - United States

Today, my 55 year-old mother faked a pregnancy because she was jealous of all the attention I've been getting since I had my twin boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 514

You deserved it 3 026

By Anonymous - 01/10/2010 09:45 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 293

You deserved it 5 159

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

By Anonymous - 08/07/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 433

By troubled - 04/11/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 806

You deserved it 3 764

By imeanreallytho - 11/09/2015 16:20 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 981

You deserved it 8 904

Slammer

By Anonymous - 04/05/2013 01:14 - Netherlands

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 321

You deserved it 3 803

By Anonymous - 06/09/2015 06:59 - United States - Wittenberg

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 187

You deserved it 9 622

By Savviecat97 - 25/07/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 209

By Ignored - 13/07/2011 06:47 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 357

You deserved it 9 376

By Anonymous - 11/07/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 614

You deserved it 3 290

Dumbass

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 255

Landlords gonna landlord

By goingtobeevicted - 25/04/2013 06:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 929

You deserved it 48 243

By dumped - 23/08/2015 10:22 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 514

You deserved it 2 485

By kittyjoe - 08/08/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 837

By Bekah - 04/07/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 650

You deserved it 4 451

Cool beans

By oopsiecoffee - 09/04/2009 06:40 - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with, "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full." He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 338

You deserved it 76 795

Uprising

By ineedanewjob - 09/04/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 048

You deserved it 36 255

By internetloser - 16/08/2017 16:15 - United States - Kewaskum

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How, you may ask? He used the Adult Swim "We should see other people" commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 619

You deserved it 303

By Anonymous - 02/07/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 877

You deserved it 3 581

By whoops - 25/05/2014 21:23 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 085

You deserved it 10 226

Kinder stranger

By Me. - 11/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Ramona

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 487

You deserved it 12 727

By Username - 27/06/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 528

You deserved it 7 775

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 357

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I found my street parked car was crashed into overnight and is no longer able to be driven. I just spent $4k getting it fixed so I could sell it, and I only had it with me in the city because the day before someone tried to KIA Boys hack steal the other car I was driving, making that one unable to be driven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 120

Today, I held my daughter’s fifth birthday at the park. What started as a fun playdate with all her friends turned into a day of horror, when a pair of teenage boys started running around our pavillion, screaming, “Babies come from sex! Babies come from sex!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 147

Today, my mother bought earrings with marijuana leaves on them to show her love of nature. She won’t believe me when I tell her that it’s a weed leaf, and wants to wear them to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 89

Today, my husband and I went to the bank to figure out why our loan process has been such a pain in the ass, and why we can never get in contact with our lender. The bank said he quit last week. Guess he didn't think to tell anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 79

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom, demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a goddamn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 378

You deserved it 5 806

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 438

You deserved it 314