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Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 200

You deserved it 31 145

Asshats everywhere

By 404 justice not found - 21/04/2016 19:15 - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops, and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 336

You deserved it 1 570

By fuck's sake - 16/04/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 095

You deserved it 2 098

By bbt - 18/08/2018 22:00

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 368

You deserved it 343

Gross

By ew - 12/04/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 152

You deserved it 3 070

By Mamallama - 19/08/2018 13:00

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 356

You deserved it 409

Dumbass

By whyyyy - 17/06/2020 05:05

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 549

By mastermind - 22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 334

You deserved it 746

Dress you up

By NotTheFavoriteChild - 03/04/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess…" I showered, shaved, and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 498

You deserved it 1 622

Life hacks

By Zibby - 11/02/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 492

You deserved it 80 918

Like the beginning of a porno

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 23:01

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 817

You deserved it 1 616

By NotAnUglyBaby - 22/03/2016 22:40 - Mexico - Córdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 372

You deserved it 1 934

What the hell

By paula.isabel - 09/09/2018 20:30

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 272

You deserved it 185

By toomuchwork - 13/09/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 133

You deserved it 172

Just a prank, bro

By unlucky dudebag - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 331

You deserved it 4 751

Karma chameleon

By Douche - 31/07/2020 23:01

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 2 050

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 01:46 - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 456

You deserved it 2 816

By danny - 10/10/2018 12:00

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 835

You deserved it 646

Demon drink

By Aliiveopen - This FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff - United States - Wasilla

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting two holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 170

By Anonymous - 12/02/2016 00:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 926

You deserved it 2 441

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 02:16 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 168

You deserved it 1 654

By itsjustemcee - 02/02/2016 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 594

You deserved it 1 625

**** me, I guess

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 788

You deserved it 2 306

By Anonymous - 18/01/2017 20:00

Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 698

You deserved it 1 695

By Keyser Soze - 17/01/2017 09:56

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 662

You deserved it 1 035

Fight yoga, try stress

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Craig

Today, I'm so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 247

You deserved it 5 565

Hygiene police

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 881

You deserved it 17 025

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 829

You deserved it 7 489

By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 20:55 - United States - College Place

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 023

You deserved it 27 463

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The Top

Today, I learned that the only way to get my boyfriend to respond to me is through nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 746

You deserved it 6 497

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 819

You deserved it 4 768

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 236

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with, "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full." He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 338

You deserved it 76 789

Today, I had to do a PowerPoint presentation alone, since none of my group members showed up. I was given a big fat 0 for doing the presentation alone. It was worth 50% of my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 114

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 008

You deserved it 702