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By walkingisfun - 02/07/2017 20:00

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 851

You deserved it 311

Crowded house

By upset - 25/10/2016 00:08

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 281

You deserved it 918

Shut up

By brad3720 - 14/04/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. A six year-old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were, he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 599

You deserved it 7 547

In this economy?

By Nohouseforme - 07/10/2016 05:38 - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 554

You deserved it 1 481

By Idk - 29/05/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 758

You deserved it 5 114

Stalker vibes

By olalala2382 - 02/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed, "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 147

You deserved it 7 251

By chumman - 06/05/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 190

You deserved it 20 935

By Sam - 04/05/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 717

You deserved it 5 226

Weird flex, but OK

By incestastic - 14/08/2010 23:23 - Canada

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 507

You deserved it 3 070

By anonymous - 15/08/2016 03:35 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I received a birthday card from my dad, over a week late. It was addressed to me using my maiden name, the enclosed check also made out to me using my maiden name. I've been married for over 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 261

You deserved it 1 559

By woohoo420 - 04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 657

You deserved it 41 516

Jedi mind trick

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 04:00

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 293

You deserved it 209

By asleepinclass - 16/03/2009 17:18 - Poland

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 098

You deserved it 40 225

Let me sleep!

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 032

You deserved it 247

By lastinclass - 13/07/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 242

You deserved it 1 062

By nutsucker - 08/03/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 551

You deserved it 10 871

Etymology

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 21:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 481

You deserved it 1 023

Spice it up

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 18:00

Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 2 497

Y'all need him!

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 857

You deserved it 3 534

By sarahmoon - 05/05/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 642

You deserved it 543

What's your emergency?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 842

You deserved it 330

By why?? - 24/05/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 606

You deserved it 1 376

By Noname - 12/02/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 438

You deserved it 134 963

By Anonymous - 18/05/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 795

You deserved it 1 657

Repetition

By Ham - 14/06/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 260

By Anonymous - 12/03/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 036

You deserved it 3 846

By Jeri - 26/02/2010 12:55 - United States

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 177

You deserved it 4 346

By newbornphotog - 03/05/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 831

You deserved it 2 149

By housematefromhell - 21/07/2018 21:29

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 762

You deserved it 395

Revelations

By pey - 21/05/2020 14:00

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 689

You deserved it 166

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The Top

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 342

You deserved it 4 042

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 238

You deserved it 47 376

Today, I had my blood drawn for a lab test. I was then given a container so I could give a urine sample. In the middle of peeing, I got woozy, started blacking out, and hit my head against the wall. A nurse discovered me with my pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 264

You deserved it 2 286

Today, I had lunch with my ex. A lady sat down behind her facing me. No eyeballs, no eyelids, just deep flesh tunnels into her head. I was traumatised and stopped eating and talking. I couldn’t say anything, as I imagined no eyes means better hearing. My ex said I was being rude and hasn’t talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 454

Today, a cute coworker came into the office with a completely new haircut. Instead of complimenting him with, "I like your hair," I said, "I like your head." He backed away slowly and avoided me for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 198

Today, the universe smiled upon me and my longtime fantasy of seeing someone I know appear in an adult film finally came true. However, as a straight guy, I should have been more specific: I was hoping to see a woman I know appear in an adult film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 1 208