The Top

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By Layne - 07/05/2017 21:00 - Brazil

Today, I had sex with a guy on the first date. I couldn’t wait, he was too gorgeous. The only problem was that when we finished, he announced that he had to fart and did so twice. Now I’m not so sure if I’ll see him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 235

You deserved it 7 118

Wurdz

By onefishtwofishes - 23/05/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 963

You deserved it 4 472

By Sheh - 16/07/2014 15:02 - Sweden

Today, while out grocery shopping with my mother, she asked me to hold a large bag of rice for her. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd been absent-mindedly stroking it the whole time, just like when I pick up my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 475

You deserved it 9 360

Sheh_fml tells us more.

Sheh_fml 25

Wednesday 16 July 2014 20:38

The bag of rice didn't have any handle, so I held it kinda resting against my torso, just like when holding my cat. I guess it has just become a habit. Loving all the puns :)

By fstfckd - 07/06/2014 19:16 - United States

Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 845

You deserved it 15 135

By not_this_shit_again - 09/04/2014 12:37 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 016

You deserved it 3 602

By SwimminginSweat - 27/02/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 195

You deserved it 4 519

By ballplaya52 - 08/12/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 387

You deserved it 47 885

ballplaya52 tells us more.

ballplaya52 10

Monday 9 December 2013 14:27

Hey all! OP here. I just a wanted to clear a few things up. I know the wording may have been confusing and given you all the wrong image. When I said that she'd embarrass me by singing in public, I literally meant singing. To me. About me. In public. Loudly. Like not even a real song. But when I read over it when it got published, it sounded to me like people could interpret it like she would sing karaoke or something. Anyways it only lasted a minute or so so it wasn't that bad, but we did get some stares. And for those comments saying to live a little, I don't sing or dance in public as a personal rule because I'm not any good at either. Anyways thanks to the moderators for publishing this and I will see you guys around on this awesome website :)

By fml_for_real - 04/02/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 293

You deserved it 6 931

By Anonymous - 05/03/2011 11:43 - France

Today, I found my mother in tears, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "It's your father, he wants a divorce..." I asked if he'd met another woman, and my mom replied "No, not a woman..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 913

You deserved it 4 911

Don't do drugs, kids

By Anonymous - 08/11/2013 17:43 - United States - Omaha

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 777

You deserved it 22 475

By Confused and Disgusted - 23/02/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 314

You deserved it 2 447

By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said, "Skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "Since when?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 144

You deserved it 30 555

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 733

You deserved it 48 556

By mark807 - 28/04/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 522

You deserved it 2 171

By seriously - 05/03/2013 00:43 - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 104

You deserved it 18 524

By Sapphirlinda - 03/07/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 829

You deserved it 3 275

By Jlipka - 22/05/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 869

You deserved it 5 610

Not now!

By Ineedit - 26/02/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 159

You deserved it 2 583

Run for the hills

By Stung - 03/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 183

You deserved it 4 267

Never again

By notAMrs - 20/11/2012 17:22 - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 098

You deserved it 9 223

Thanks for noticing

By Anonymous - 25/07/2009 02:35 - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 840

You deserved it 9 643

By joedoe - 18/07/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 Monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 931

You deserved it 51 606

By Anonymous - 23/01/2015 06:33 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 825

You deserved it 4 498

By Anonymous - 15/02/2016 01:57 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 574

You deserved it 3 328

Get in, kid

By -__- - 28/10/2011 11:50 - Australia

Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding." This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 222

You deserved it 2 598

Wanker

By Sandman2015 - 29/01/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 403

You deserved it 1 933

By kacie smith - 16/09/2012 12:36 - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. Five minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 728

You deserved it 3 740

He's not my real dad

By Moosh - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it, then showed it to all my friends at my party, all while we were eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 575

You deserved it 4 195

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds, then said, "Who the hell are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 055

You deserved it 4 908

City kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 08:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 313

You deserved it 25 371

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The Top

Today, at a business BBQ my dad introduced my older brother to his boss as "Dr Brother", my younger sister as "CEO Sister," and then me as "Beautiful Daughter." That was it, I’m his pretty daughter, just because I became a primary school teacher, and disappointed him so disgracefully. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 1 179

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 139

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 622

You deserved it 3 183

Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 242

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 560

You deserved it 5 621

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 179

You deserved it 10 373