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By Teeny - 09/03/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 112

You deserved it 3 469

Spooked

By Scared - 23/08/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 583

You deserved it 32 715

By Noname - 13/02/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 293

You deserved it 3 687

How romantic

By SmokedSalmon - 13/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 261

You deserved it 43 614

No one likes a smart-ass

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 08:00

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 333

You deserved it 967

By fml - 07/03/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 721

You deserved it 25 026

Flipped the bird

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 05:59

Today, a client walked into my store with a duck in her hands. I had to explain to her that she couldn't bring the bird shopping with her. We got a 1-star review. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 145

By NeedaNosePlug - 26/01/2012 05:19 - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 315

You deserved it 3 220

By Anonymous - 25/01/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 955

You deserved it 2 519

By mariah_1_11 - 06/03/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I really like. My friends convinced me that he was going to stand me up and that I should just stay home to avoid being hurt. He showed up; I didn't. My friends laughed at my gullible nature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 288

You deserved it 41 402

By Ab - 10/02/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 355

You deserved it 42 873

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

By Bogrbon - 21/04/2020 14:00

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 339

Remember planking?

By say dump him and i'll kill you - 29/12/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 772

You deserved it 4 116

Crossroads

By Anonymous - 12/03/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband of nearly a decade told me he's been sleeping with his best friend for a year, and also a couple times with my best friend. Marriage destroyed. Life in shambles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 111

By Bouh - 27/12/2012 04:04 - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 53

Movie night

By ditched - 17/08/2009 19:49 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 204

You deserved it 6 154

By The_Rest_of_the_Story - 14/12/2013 06:38 - United States - Effingham

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 109

You deserved it 11 410

By mugged - 20/03/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 452

You deserved it 4 858

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 30/04/2020 23:00

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 568

Hell no!

By Anonymous - 14/03/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 219

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 22:00

Today, I answered the door at my boyfriend's house to an obese woman, who looked and smelled homeless, and rudely tried to barge past me to get inside. I told her to get out or I’d call the police. My boyfriend behind me saw this disgusting woman and said those two awful words: “Hi Mom.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 472

By Anonymous - 09/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 557

You deserved it 3 377

By whoneedsdumbcars - 14/08/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 396

You deserved it 39 770

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 419

You deserved it 231

By Sam - 03/02/2009 22:38 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 4 305

Snooping around

By Anonymous - 29/09/2025 20:00

Today, I found out the heartbreaking truth of why my husband won’t have sex with me. He cheated, got an STD, and is now waiting for it to clear up before he touches me again. When I confronted him, he flipped out and wrecked the house because I invaded his privacy by going into his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 103

Flummoxed

By shellie - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 142

You deserved it 4 508

By houdini - 03/02/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 980

You deserved it 11 715

Shade thrown

By mikep - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied, "It's not the cat you should be worried about". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 940

You deserved it 5 824

Healthcare is ******

By OldAndTired - 16/11/2022 06:00

Today, my pharmacy was unable to fill my prescription for the only drug that works for an excruciating condition that I have. Only one company makes the drug and it's backordered for three months. I have one week left and then I’ll be forced into withdrawal. Without the drug, my life will be a living hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 159

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The Top

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year-old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 770

You deserved it 2 786

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 201

You deserved it 2 787

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 965

You deserved it 4 371

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 559

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 659

Today, during an important Zoom meeting, I insisted my dog was calm and well-behaved. To prove it, I picked him up. He immediately sneezed directly into my open mouth while my camera was on and my boss was speaking. Everyone saw and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 491