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By Anonymous - 10/08/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 324

You deserved it 10 058

By lonethong15 - 08/08/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 817

You deserved it 3 918

Infuriating

By Lauren - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 142

You deserved it 8 839

By whymyroomthough - 06/08/2014 22:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 233

You deserved it 3 237

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 303

So lonely

By Anonymous - 08/06/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 543

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 23:51 - United States

Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 696

You deserved it 37 672

Street art

By squidwardpotatoes - 14/11/2009 11:08 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 317

You deserved it 3 266

MOM!

By Yeppets - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 474

You deserved it 4 915

By k…… - 09/06/2012 21:35 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 570

You deserved it 64 624

By tara22 - 27/04/2009 23:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 221

You deserved it 6 311

Who are you to judge?

By vertigoisarat - 23/02/2021 08:01 - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 175

By Anonymous - 08/10/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 977

You deserved it 5 469

Classic dude moment

By Two hundred down - 07/08/2023 04:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 323

By AylaMarie92 - 21/07/2014 21:04 - Canada - Hopkins Landing

Today, I was scrubbing the bloody aftermath of a successful mouse trap off of my stove with an old toothbrush. After a few good scrubs, out of habit I put the toothbrush in my mouth while I turned on the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 118

You deserved it 48 404

AylaMarie92 tells us more.

AylaMarie92 18

Tuesday 22 July 2014 11:05

OP here. I definitely threw away the toothbrush after this, and brushed my teeth with a brand new, mouse-free toothbrush for about 2 hours straight, and listerine listerine listerine o.o I keep my old toothbrushes around for such occasions when there's a hard to reach, disgusting mess to deal with such as this one XD Thanks for all your comments, I've had my tetanus shot lmao, still going to get checked out by a doctor ASAP

By kids say the darnedest things - 19/07/2014 02:56 - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 315

You deserved it 7 144

Gross!

By Anonymous - 17/07/2014 02:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 325

You deserved it 4 809

Brain fogged

By boohoo - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 783

You deserved it 21 377

By anonymous - 28/07/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 454

You deserved it 16 971

Lonely birthday

By anon - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 668

You deserved it 13 539

Missed cues

By Kylene - 23/04/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me… so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 788

You deserved it 52 893

By yashika - 03/07/2019 22:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 146

By emmingle - 13/05/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 115

You deserved it 3 043

By youjustsuck - 25/07/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 12 801

By imsad - 06/11/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 793

You deserved it 2 611

But wait, there's more!

By T-Pain - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 963

You deserved it 7 271

By oh shit - 06/07/2014 19:28 - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 784

You deserved it 8 725

By Anonymous - 10/05/2013 23:16 - Switzerland - Saint Gallen

Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 450

You deserved it 5 635

By someone - 23/07/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 4 459

By MALICEG - 26/05/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 4 800

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Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 335

You deserved it 4 085

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 385

You deserved it 3 733

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 966

You deserved it 7 027

Today, I was alone in the house at night when I almost died of fright after seeing a woman staring at me through the window. I screamed before realizing that she was just my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 240

You deserved it 1 916

Today, my new girlfriend and I finally did the deed. I also realized today that I have a strange kink. An outie belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 284

Today, I found out that my landlord had been showing my apartment to new tenants without telling me, when I woke up this morning to a family of four staring at me scratching my nuts whilst watching TV on my couch in my pajamas, horrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 67