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By campus pussy - 22/03/2014 21:08 - United States - Ross

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 042

You deserved it 11 449

By Anonymous - 04/03/2013 14:23 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, while on a crowded public bus, a cute girl asked if she could sit next to me. Problem is, I didn't hear correctly and thought she asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I answered no, causing her to walk off angrily and earning me several disgusted stares from other passengers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 604

You deserved it 7 630

By kernewek - 26/05/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 462

You deserved it 20 967

Hygienic

By imfullthanks - 14/03/2009 23:06 - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 716

You deserved it 7 676

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 11/08/2022 14:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that when my neighbors throw a party, it includes guests having sex in my garage, and relieving themselves on my lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 110

By cthulhu help me - 01/03/2013 18:22 - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 687

You deserved it 2 841

Paranoid much?

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 186

Great idea

By aridaley - 21/05/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex-boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 542

You deserved it 65 066

By FreeOfCharge - 21/09/2009 06:06 - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 062

You deserved it 110 836

By fuck off, eh! - 07/03/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 455

You deserved it 5 094

Drunk and stupid

By paulwatson93 - 17/05/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 369

You deserved it 51 896

By marge1010 - 08/03/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 011

You deserved it 10 027

By LoveYouTooMa - 20/06/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 939

You deserved it 32 625

Review

By crub - 05/03/2009 15:10 - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 618

You deserved it 2 332

By asdfBUTT - 06/03/2012 01:36 - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 490

You deserved it 32 223

World's best babysitter

By KarinaO - 22/06/2021 22:01

Today, I trusted my mother-in-law to watch my 3 year-old son while my husband and I were at work. She fell asleep while watching him and he somehow opened the door, ran outside, fell and scraped his knee. Her response was, "Oh well, what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 274

Scream

By dating a pussy - 18/02/2014 21:15 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 269

You deserved it 5 766

By Koda - 06/05/2011 04:27

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 727

You deserved it 4 694

By extra crispy or original recipe - 16/02/2014 22:23 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I have Hello Kitty band-aids on my nips because I dozed off while tanning and burned them extra crispy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 550

You deserved it 42 877

By Lois - 09/02/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Spicy

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 790

You deserved it 5 964

Headshot!

By Amb - 01/06/2010 23:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 110

You deserved it 6 206

By ak. - 02/03/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and said, "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 714

You deserved it 11 372

By iVaughtTV - 28/02/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 142

You deserved it 24 560

By comfylap - 28/05/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 52

By Anonymous - 05/02/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Spicy

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 171

You deserved it 39 725

Help!

By ritz - 10/09/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 586

You deserved it 56 274

**** off

By guessnot - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 743

You deserved it 4 811

Go home, you're drunk

By spartanson - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 047

You deserved it 4 337

By Merith2004 - 04/02/2014 05:18 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, while at a funeral for a distant family member, I was giving my condolences to the family. When one of them asked how I was doing, I replied with, "I'm still alive!", which is one of my standard responses due to being a cashier and being asked that question a hundred times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 903

You deserved it 12 700

Merith2004 tells us more.

Merith2004 17

Tuesday 4 February 2014 18:30

hey everyone. thanks for being understanding for the most part. this was just one of the "I wasnt thinking" kind of things. dont worry though: I got several slaps on the back of then head from cousins who were in earshot.

It's my new look

By Fenny - 27/02/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 443

You deserved it 74 733

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Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 643

You deserved it 1 660

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 920

You deserved it 4 305

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 849

You deserved it 4 039

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 317

You deserved it 7 683

Today, it's my last week working at a gas station. A fat middle-aged man threw a hissy over the price of 2-liter Coke and demanded I change it. I asked him to leave; he wouldn't, and forced me to call the cops. He stormed out as I was on the phone, pointed at me, and called me a "weak piece of shit". Three more days… FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 126

Today, I found out that the little bumps on the child seats in the Wal-Mart shopping carts are spaced just enough that they can crack my brand new phone's screen past its screen protector in two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 218