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By AshleyP - 04/04/2014 14:17 - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark, only to discover it was poop. After further investigation, I found out my younger sister had been wearing them and "experimenting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 480

You deserved it 4 564

The cliché is true

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 615

You deserved it 65 554

By Anonymous - 29/03/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 943

You deserved it 3 713

Nothing better to do

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 06:57 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 166

You deserved it 40 340

By Username - 29/05/2011 04:41 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 219

You deserved it 8 208

Jimmy Handtricks

By Abandonded - 28/05/2021 08:02

Today, my husband is a music teacher, and I walked in on him on Zoom with one of his female students. He said he was teaching her the guitar. He was naked from the waist down and she was fully nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 562

You deserved it 210

By Jessi - 21/07/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 877

You deserved it 5 809

Rip it up and start again

By Seriously - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 430

You deserved it 8 382

By badcook - 24/09/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 765

You deserved it 3 529

By like - 14/03/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 665

You deserved it 200 254

Pissed

By kkmirw - 14/10/2019 05:00

Today, a colostomy bag exploded on me while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy. Yesterday, my shoes were peed on by a child while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 115

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 346

Toxic community

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 13:59 - United States - Rochester

Today, I donated money to a gaming streamer I like(d) who's been struggling. He later yelled at me and timed me out for "derailing the stream" with "dumb" questions. Then I found out a troll community that follows him doxxed me, and people are dunking on me and calling me "retarded" on social media for donating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 424

By wait..what - 22/09/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 757

You deserved it 3 452

Bon appétit

By nauseated - 05/06/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, I got asked to a BBQ by new friend. I walked in, and to my horror she's a hoarder. The house was packed wall to wall and everything was covered in thick layers of dust and dog hair. Her dogs were filthy and untrained. They snatched food off the counters while she laughed and kept cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 99

By are you kidding me? - 10/03/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 553

You deserved it 4 488

Kinda sus

By embarrassed - 03/07/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 364

You deserved it 47 155

By Wronged - 21/09/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 557

You deserved it 3 580

By theassman - 11/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 159

You deserved it 80 623

By mypelvishurts - 23/02/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 224

You deserved it 6 639

Sneaky

By nicknick2 - 18/05/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 114

You deserved it 3 923

By Sarah - 10/03/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 032

You deserved it 29 859

Weird romance

By Mike - 10/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker and I have been sharing the same girlfriend for over a year. She doesn’t know that we each know about the other, but now it’s all over. She blocked both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 971

By :/ - 04/03/2014 13:37

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 569

You deserved it 4 695

Sounds perfect

By kryan012 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. It includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 437

You deserved it 8 695

By DMitch - 15/05/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 907

You deserved it 14 463

Quite the catch

By Ms. Piggy - 02/03/2014 19:09 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 580

You deserved it 7 556

By katiebabby - 17/06/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 675

You deserved it 4 898

By Sodapop40 - 22/02/2014 21:21 - Canada - Whitecourt

Today, I was shopping, when a man pointed at me and said to his friend, "Her. She's the one." He replied, "Yes, she'll do fine." I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 387

You deserved it 3 717

Sodapop40 tells us more.

Sodapop40 21

Sunday 23 February 2014 22:00

They saw me staring at them with terror in my eyes, and quickly came over to ask me if I wanted tto model with their agency? Um, no.

Dude, seriously?

By nuberific - 05/03/2009 18:45 - Canada

Today, I was in the changing room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 381

You deserved it 3 502

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The Top

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 215

You deserved it 3 169

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 578

You deserved it 3 063

Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 620

You deserved it 17 079

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 515

You deserved it 7 090

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 135

You deserved it 182

Today, I had mice in the house and had to kill them with mousetraps. I pulled a trap out with a dead mouse and my four year-old son saw. Mice are his favorite animals, and now he won’t speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 234