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By idiotson - 11/06/2014 00:39 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 342

You deserved it 8 976

Tough crowd

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 508

You deserved it 30 716

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 301

Lonely

By reddd - 10/05/2012 06:44 - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 022

You deserved it 11 441

By Snurkles - 07/07/2011 12:19 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 132

You deserved it 7 095

Because reasons

By Off_Road - 04/06/2014 19:30 - United States - North Pole

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 592

You deserved it 4 031

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 22:10 - United States - Chandler

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 437

You deserved it 41 652

By drew - 07/09/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 678

You deserved it 5 339

Business is business

By Anonymous - 09/04/2021 00:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 216

Crank time

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 11:00 - United States - Elyria

Today, four months into a deep depression, I now have a new involuntary reaction to being sad and angry. I constantly have an erection when I'm feeling really down or pissed off, even when I cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 159

See you in court

By Juliet - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 132

You deserved it 6 648

Smart move

By Triedtobecool - 06/04/2009 02:22 - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 99 994

Frustrating!

By horny I’m so horny - 16/04/2021 02:00 - United States

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 628

You deserved it 305

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 825

You deserved it 8 819

By poo4brains - 28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 154

You deserved it 3 647

By oops - 05/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 067

You deserved it 80 669

By Halloweenie - 16/10/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 177

You deserved it 5 462

Take what you can get

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I got the most action I've had in about 3 years when my dentist pressed her boobs against the top of my head to fill my cavities. I really need to get me a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 173

Dirty girl

By Alyssa - 28/08/2019 04:00 - United States - Macon

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 544

You deserved it 248

Giggleloop

By Anonymous - 22/06/2022 18:00

Today, I was laughing so hard at, of all things, a parody of a foul-mouthed Scottish Postman Pat on YouTube, that I shat myself a little bit at my in-laws' house. I’m now commando under my skirt, as I had to throw my shitty knickers into a doggy bag in my coat pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 1 125

By caaarl - 19/04/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 063

You deserved it 6 548

By thyella87 - 21/08/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 788

You deserved it 18 053

It's a learned behavior

By laurilove7 - 27/04/2021 20:01

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Turns out, an African-American girl approached her and tried to play with her, but my daughter cut her off and said, "I don’t want to play with a black person." I have no idea where she learned this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 1 368

By Emily J. - 18/06/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 483

You deserved it 38 688

By Jordid - 19/08/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 830

You deserved it 4 208

Planned Parenthood

By Anonymous - 06/09/2019 22:01 - United States

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life when I found out that I was a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 152

Never joke with TSA

By missy - 16/06/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 052

You deserved it 10 123

Public freakout

By Anonymous - 03/07/2022 18:00

Today, some guy punched me so hard I lost a tooth. I defended myself and broke his nose, so he started screaming for his mother. He turned out to be autistic, so witnesses, including the police, said I should have been more understanding of his disability after HE HIT ME AND TOOK MY FUCKING TOOTH OUT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 145

By Beth - 13/04/2012 14:12 - Australia - Perth

Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 398

You deserved it 2 359

Lost

By James - 12/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Cirencester

Today, I was having a good time drinking with a few friends. Next thing I know, I'm walking down an unknown street, with just one shoe, no wallet and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 1 675

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The Top

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 126

You deserved it 4 203

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 907

You deserved it 5 929

Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 948

You deserved it 383

Today, my boss announced he will be taking bereavement leave due to his father passing away. For some reason I’ll never understand, I got the urge to laugh. I tried so hard to hold it in but it was very obvious. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be able to write this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 238

You deserved it 1 173

Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 193

Today, I tried to log in to my bank account but couldn’t remember the password. I clicked "Forgot Password?" and it asked me for the security question: “What is your pet’s name?” I've had several pets since I created the account, and forgot where I had updated it. Now I’m locked out of my bank account, with no idea who I am anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 422