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If the shoe fits…

By marina1686 - 20/09/2019 20:00

Today, I worked a 9-hour retail like this. I didn't notice until 3 hours into my shift and had to deal with this embarrassment for the next 6 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 1 032

About last night…

By missalexa - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 151

You deserved it 4 164

Dave, don't stick your knob in beehives!

By Pinsky - 01/08/2022 00:00

Today, I got stung by a bee on the tip top of my penis. No one understands why I am limping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 367

By minecraftwilldie - 02/06/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 257

You deserved it 14 784

By skywayavenue - 19/03/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 201

You deserved it 99 730

Disgusting

By ocdeane - 01/10/2019 22:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 286

Precision flinging

By oh god why - 06/10/2019 00:01

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 256

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 456

You deserved it 5 244

By Maz - 12/11/2017 15:00 - France

Today, I woke up to a red, raised, extremely itchy rash covering my whole body, face included. I have an 18-hour bus ride to look forward to this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 307

You deserved it 228

Long list

By Unfortunate - 03/06/2021 02:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after two years of dating. So far this year, I sprained my wrist, my dog died, my best friend of 6 years ended our friendship, I was diagnosed with PMDD, my cat died, I had an ovarian cyst rupture, and I got turned down for every job I applied for. Only 7 more months to go… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 137

By cachucy - 18/03/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 741

You deserved it 3 533

Nostradamus

By mcdeez - 22/09/2009 02:06 - New Zealand

Today, I had to cover for a coworker who didn't turn up for work. He's always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again, so I said to my colleagues, "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 569

You deserved it 14 392

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

By Paulie89 - 20/10/2019 12:00

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 071

You deserved it 163

Bang for your buck

By Anonymous - 24/08/2022 06:00

Today, feeling attractive, I got dressed up and took myself to a trendy bar to enjoy some cocktails. A muscular, handsome man approached me and we began to flirt. He recommended that we get a hotel room, which we did. After we had the most amazing sex of my life, he started to tell me his price. He was an escort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 018

You deserved it 608

Don't engage with the nutjobs

By MsBeaufont - 25/08/2022 22:00 - United States

Today, a customer came to make a return - a bag full of clothes without tags that weren’t from our store. I kindly told her she couldn’t return them. She had a full blown meltdown, pulled down her pants, urinated and defecated on the ground. Security escorted her out. My coworker and I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 138

Score!

By OverIt - 25/02/2014 22:24 - United States - Winchester

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 829

You deserved it 11 242

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 031

You deserved it 13 489

The long game

By Lost - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got rejected for approximately the tenth credit card I've applied for, so I called a bank to find out why. Apparently I took out a car loan in 2004 and bought a house in 2006. I was 13 in 2004. The credit report does not have any records of this. Thank you identity theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 169

You deserved it 2 717

By dizzlewizzle - 06/03/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 186

You deserved it 11 831

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 3 113

Mixed feelings

By thefriedman - 12/02/2013 04:59 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 648

You deserved it 8 715

HB!

By Kensie - 04/03/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, it is mine and my twin sister's birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me also pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 832

You deserved it 5 988

By Grad Student - 13/01/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 879

You deserved it 334

Squeezed one out

By harris - 25/06/2021 02:00

Today, I was desperate for the toilet when I got stopped by our CEO for a chat about a project I made a ton of profit on. I was so close to disaster that when she pulled me in for a hug I wasn’t expecting, it happened. Diarrhoea down my legs and shoes. I practically made the CEO vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 366

You deserved it 239

By Allie - 03/06/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 087

You deserved it 26 518

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 411

You deserved it 83 223

Method acting

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 653

You deserved it 45 096

Not too fond of the chair

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 881

You deserved it 36 559

By nick2.0 - 09/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 261

You deserved it 5 557

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 12:34 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 567

You deserved it 6 893

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The Top

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 141

You deserved it 234

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 671

You deserved it 3 089

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 243

You deserved it 2 963

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 650

You deserved it 34 209

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 765

You deserved it 44 735

Today, my mom slaved over a hot stove making a meal for 20 guests. They all cancelled at the last second. We now have leftovers for 20 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 105