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By suppressinggags - 18/03/2016 19:45 - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 557

You deserved it 1 248

Get used to it

By Anonymous - 13/01/2023 06:00

Today, my dad farted loudly at the dinner table, mom called him a disgrace of a human being, dad called her an uptight cow, she slapped him, and 10 minutes later they were upstairs having sex. This isn’t even that unusual, this is just Wednesday night dinner time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 168

You deserved it 11 235

By UHM - 06/10/2013 21:54 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 315

You deserved it 4 021

This is going to get old pretty quick

By Mike Messenger - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 368

You deserved it 3 518

We're the main characters

By GymHunky - 03/11/2021 11:00

Today, at the gym, a very attractive lady was working out in front of me, wearing tiny shorts that left zero to the imagination. I kept trying to avert my gaze, until her extremely buff boyfriend came over and threatened me. My crime? I wasn’t checking out his girl enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 160

Slobber

By Sad_Happy_Gorl - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 001

You deserved it 299

Let's go girls!

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 23:01

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 09:21 - United States

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 040

You deserved it 2 451

Sounds like a catch

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 08:06

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 365

By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 207

You deserved it 51 081

By Username - 25/01/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 182

You deserved it 10 335

Heartless

By Anonymous - 24/08/2020 02:02

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 1 579

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 759

You deserved it 6 100

Splitting hairs

By hairycarrie - 28/08/2020 13:49 - United States

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 315

You deserved it 673

By ilovesocks - 20/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 005

You deserved it 6 463

WTF dude?

By lunarstrain - 08/11/2011 06:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 176

You deserved it 8 553

Crypto bro

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 05:00

Today, I told my son to get a job and start paying rent. Five minutes later he transferred me rent for the next 5 years. When I demanded to know where he got that kind of money, he showed me his bank statements. He’s made more money mining Bitcoin than I’ve made in 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 309

You deserved it 1 385

They made me do it

By Cat - 07/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 253

You deserved it 3 912

By kewlio45 - 01/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 034

You deserved it 6 337

Undercover

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 622

You deserved it 4 801

People have lists?!

By Anonymous - 22/09/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 230

Random Ass Memory

By Anonymous - 21/12/2021 11:01

Today, I yelled at my husband for staying out till after 9 and not having done any of the chores. He turned round and yelled right back at me for letting him sit alone at the restaurant, getting sympathy from the waiters, because I clearly forgot today was our anniversary dinner. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 280

You deserved it 4 203

Pull!

By buttpicker - 19/04/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 624

You deserved it 4 603

It is a bit weird

By huh? - 28/09/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 256

By Fredgruff - 09/01/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 502

You deserved it 6 829

By Anonymous - 29/01/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 304

You deserved it 1 590

Familiar

By Looks familiar - 13/08/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, my coworker asked me for advice for a clever comeback after she got an unsolicited dick pic. I sent her some zingers to roast the creep into oblivion. Afterward she sent me screenshots. I recognized the mole and birthmark immediately. It was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 14/09/2012 16:51 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 195

You deserved it 2 399

By Anonymous - 19/10/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, my fiancé has been jumping out of closets and from around corners with a video camera, trying to catch me naked. He says he wants to post a video online so his old high school friends can "rate" me. I'm now afraid to get intimate, shower, or even change my clothes in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 290

You deserved it 5 190

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The Top

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 203

You deserved it 3 292

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 835

You deserved it 4 498

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 7 359

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 319

You deserved it 37 658

Today, I thought I'd patched up the hole in my window pretty well. That is, until I heard a buzzing noise in my room. There was a huge ass bee that somehow got inside and was trying to escape. I would've helped, but I'm terrified of bees, and I'm now afraid to enter my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 219

Today, I've spent 14 years building a life with someone who cheated, lied, and made me feel like my pain was “unattractive.” I stayed loyal, worked two jobs, and gave everything while he gave nothing. Now I’m left healing from a love that was never real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 153