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Hi-ya folks! First let me just say, I'm super stoked because this is the first FML I've ever had published! Second, the back story is this: when I ordered the vacuum, I had just woken up from a dream I had while on sleeping pills so I was preeeetty drowsy. The dream involved vacuuming which is what inspired the shopping spree to begin with. Since I was so drowsy I was skimming over all the product descriptions and only looking at the pictures and prices and let me tell you: by looking at the photo there is no way to tell it's a toy. It's got a brand and model name on it (Bosch Ergomaxx Professional) and cost 40 euros. I thought I was just getting a good deal. Needless to say, kids toys have come a long way in recent years. It's even functional! Just not quite practical for an adult...

By addict - 26/08/2017 13:00

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 145

You deserved it 320

Punned

By 4fingerdiscount - 13/09/2016 11:07 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my bitch of a boss sent out a group text saying she'd had a chainsaw accident and lost the tips of 4 of her fingers and would be out indefinitely. When I told my boyfriend, his immediate response was to grab my phone and reply "I'm stumped, I don't know what to say." She hasn't responded yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 434

You deserved it 1 925

Jagged Little Pill

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 22:01

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 920

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/07/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 751

By Dumped and pregnant - 01/05/2018 05:00

Today, my ex dumped me for his ex who'd cheated on him. Today, I also found out I'm pregnant. When I told him he said, "I’m really happy for you. I hope it all works out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 780

You deserved it 554

Baked

By NotHappyJan - 03/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 770

You deserved it 2 019

By RIPmyhair - 20/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 164

You deserved it 2 191

By Anonymous - 15/05/2017 14:00

Today, my 5-year-old daughter had to find pictures of animals that she felt represented each member of her family. This was the one she chose for me. I think she might be trying to imply something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 416

You deserved it 638

By Nicoleanne - 20/11/2016 14:08

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 495

You deserved it 13 319

By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 018

You deserved it 2 732

Stop whining, Sybil

By Thoughtless Wife - 18/06/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 792

You deserved it 289

By Smokey - 31/07/2017 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 575

You deserved it 903

DILF

By Anonymous - 06/05/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 943

You deserved it 1 488

By boipucci - 22/04/2016 01:04 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 604

You deserved it 6 381

boipucci tells us more.

boipucci 1

Friday 22 April 2016 19:26

OP here. Thanks to the actual birthday wishes. Didn't do anything special, but thanks nonetheless.

By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 6 934

Deflection

By Quicky5_ - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 946

You deserved it 2 612

By Penelope Cruz - 22/04/2017 21:00 - Brazil

Today, I woke up early for work, put on my uniform, took two buses, and when I got there my boss laughed and reminded me that I was fired yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 848

You deserved it 1 859

By Anonymous - 21/05/2017 21:00 - Germany

Today, we were doing a group project in class. The girl I have a crush on came to ask me if I was alone and I said yes. She took the chair next to me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 991

You deserved it 339

Gross!

By mybfpeedonme - 30/09/2017 16:00

Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 831

You deserved it 1 626

By that violates the Geneva conventions - 05/08/2016 09:33 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 477

You deserved it 997

Good job

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 15:08 - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 469

You deserved it 4 565

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 685

You deserved it 32 309

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 899

You deserved it 6 763

Today, I noticed my husband chews his tongue while we are having sex. He also does this while he is playing World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 454

You deserved it 6 893

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 529

You deserved it 5 883

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 731

You deserved it 2 942

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 155

You deserved it 2 263