The Top

1. my roommates a girl 2. My old roommate and I both bought the bong and split the price but when she transferred colleges she let me keep it 3. my roommate does drink usually 5 nights a week and she is 19 so she isn't exactly law abiding either

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 694

You deserved it 45 448

Go wild!

By Anonymous - 13/12/2021 05:01

Today, now our boys are older, my husband doesn’t care what they do. Apparently, if he knows what they’re doing, he’ll have to get off his chair and parent, which will annoy both him and the boys, so it’s easier to let the boys destroy their room, because at least then everyone but me is happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 02:37 - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 975

You deserved it 34 725

By Fatlady43 - 19/01/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 308

You deserved it 6 531

Is that a pass then?

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 05:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 405

Wake up

By Anonymous - 11/12/2021 23:01

TToday, my daughter was hungover, so to teach her a lesson I started banging a pot next to her ear. An hour later, we’re in hospital. She wasn’t hungover; she hadn’t even been drinking. Her migraine was a huge aneurism one sneeze away from bursting and killing her instantly. I’m a terrible dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 2 563

So, about Valentine's…

By Anonymous - 17/02/2023 22:00 - United States - Sheppton

Today, I witnessed a drunk woman going on a manic, unhinged rant about her vagina. It would’ve been funny if she wasn’t my blind date. The worst part is that we were at my favorite restaurant, and I can probably never show my face there again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 193

By Nolimit2217 - 29/12/2014 22:07 - United States

Today, my wife started a 24 hour urine collection as directed by the doctor for her pregnancy. She has to collect the urine in a gallon jug, and refrigerate it. At lunch time, I went to go get the rest of my sandwich but was unable to find it, until she suggested I "look under the piss jug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 447

You deserved it 2 811

Nolimit2217 tells us more.

Nolimit2217 32

Thursday 1 January 2015 17:19

I thought it was funny. I understand the seriousness of pre-eclampsia since it happened with our first child too. Don't get on a high horse with me. I support my wife through and through, just had a funny moment I wanted to share.

Dear Raymond…

By Frenchie - 12/09/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 647

You deserved it 4 331

By Olorin - 07/11/2011 20:49 - Germany

Today, I woke up soaked in water. It seems at some point in the middle of the night, I woke up thirsty and opened the water bottle I keep on my nightstand. I managed to drink a little, but it seems I didn't manage to put the cap back on before losing consciousness again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 876

You deserved it 5 786

Welcome!

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 117

You deserved it 2 869

Manipulation

By Anonymous - 01/12/2021 19:58

Today, my eldest son keeps threatening to run away, and I found out that his sister is encouraging him, because she recently found out what ”inheritance” means, and thinks she’ll get more if he’s gone, or at the very least she can have his bigger bedroom and all his cool stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 183

Come home

By Anonymous - 14/07/2024 12:00

Today, my daughter is such a bitch that when her husband texted to say he’d be 30 minutes late after work, she rang him to yell at him. He got so upset, he decided not to come home at all and booked a hotel, which was awkward for everyone waiting to surprise him with a birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 156

You deserved it 2 630

By tehaustiebear - 03/10/2012 22:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 786

You deserved it 2 754

Straight to jail

By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 026

You deserved it 2 857

By dagreatpumpkin - 02/10/2012 18:48 - United States

Today, someone stole the massive pumpkin I've been painstakingly growing all year. What did they do with it? They put it in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 685

You deserved it 2 071

dagreatpumpkin tells us more.

dagreatpumpkin 3

Monday 8 October 2012 0:53

The pumpkin was for a contest. It weighed in at over 500 LBS. No-one was hurt by it being in the intersection, only vehicle damage. Cuplrits have been found and charged with Meyham, 2 counts of Grand Theft (one for the pumpkin, and one for a forklift), Criminal Trespass, and Vandalism. Cinderella, didn't make it to the ball.