The Top

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DON'T MOVE!

By Miller_Time - 18/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 855

You deserved it 8 711

By eewww - 06/05/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 802

You deserved it 3 716

By waymoreiwanted - 15/02/2014 03:21 - United States - Ashland

Spicy

Today, I opened up a Snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 020

You deserved it 9 639

By kennedygeeee - 08/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 313

You deserved it 2 651

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 07/09/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, at my girlfriend's place, I cleaned up her room, put candles everywhere, scented the air, and placed rose petals all over her bed in an attempt to be romantic and loving. The first thing she said when she saw all this was, "Uhhhhgg, I'll have to clean all this up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 400

You deserved it 5 505

Magic is real, OK?

By yummolives - 26/08/2009 20:31 - United States

Today, my little sister received a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waved her wand at me. She said, "Abracadabra, bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Can't you just act pretty?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 369

You deserved it 5 485

Knackered knob

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 06:27 - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 732

You deserved it 3 516

Not a good sign

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 21:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 913

You deserved it 5 192

By pumpkinbutt - 17/01/2010 21:08 - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 152

You deserved it 4 827

By kilamo80 - 27/07/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 502

You deserved it 4 175

By Anonymous - 21/03/2012 09:54 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I needed to buy a new helmet. When I got to the sports shop, there was only one left in my size and preferred color. Thirty minutes after buying it, my head starts itching. Turns out I paid $40 for lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 995

You deserved it 2 496

By notsober - 20/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 072

You deserved it 6 953

Broke boy

By Noname - 02/03/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 845

You deserved it 21 277

Night fight

By FistFighter - 09/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 952

You deserved it 12 990

By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 599

You deserved it 2 950

Snooping

By ks0300 - 24/02/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 339

You deserved it 2 198

It wasn't me!

By Anonymous - 15/03/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 907

You deserved it 2 732

By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 875

You deserved it 4 788

It's just a prank, bro!

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 611

You deserved it 2 424

Dumbass

By litup - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 042

You deserved it 6 663

By Saucy - 26/06/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 595

You deserved it 50 616

By oops - 18/05/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 523

You deserved it 10 833

By anonymous - 17/07/2012 04:54 - Canada - Boucherville

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 823

You deserved it 2 186

By ToddlersWife - 15/06/2014 11:10 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 319

You deserved it 6 104

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 07:24 - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 417

You deserved it 3 997

Soundtrack

By Mortifiedcharityworker - 01/05/2014 20:10 - Austria

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 371

You deserved it 38 740

By anonymous - 11/08/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 969

You deserved it 7 267

By sh3lbst3r - 14/03/2014 22:59 - Australia - Epping

Today, I had to explain to my neighbours that I wasn't "watching porn" earlier, and that I was honestly just watching an episode of Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 739

You deserved it 5 450

sh3lbst3r tells us more.

sh3lbst3r 8

Saturday 15 March 2014 17:11

The only reason they could hear it was because my apartment has pretty thin walls and I was doing dishes, watching it on my laptop beside me. The volume was cranked so I could hear it and of course that suuuuper long scene with Little Finger and the two girls came on -_- They were good about the whole thing and laughed it off and I promised to turn it down.

By Kyle - 10/05/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 001

You deserved it 47 010

By IHeartBlueJay - 08/02/2013 05:31 - United States

Today, I had my gallbladder removed. I have a very painful incision in my belly that makes any kind of movement excruciating. I've had the hiccups 5 times so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 544

You deserved it 2 401

IHeartBlueJay tells us more.

IHeartBlueJay 14

Friday 8 February 2013 17:07

Yeah they did it laparoscopically. And any kind of major surgery is going to be painful, but having it done laparoscopically is much, much better than an open incision! Try not to worry, it's a very safe surgery and they'll take good care of you :)

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The Top

The Top

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 784

You deserved it 955

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 300

You deserved it 19 030

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 092

You deserved it 46 576

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 389

You deserved it 2 978

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 242

You deserved it 317

Today, I took a bath and dressed in a skimpy lingerie. I sat on the couch for an hour and a half before giving up and putting on my boyfriend's old t shirt. It was then that he decided to comment. On the t shirt I was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 243