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By MonsieurH - 03/04/2014 07:44 - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 507

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 306

You deserved it 70 093

Just a prank, bro

By iscreamforicecream - 01/06/2011 11:53 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 479

You deserved it 5 758

By Avomitmous - 09/02/2014 21:18 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, less than a week after moving in together, I decided to clean out my husband's messy room. In the process, I found a jar containing what appears to be a toenail collection. I don't think I'll ever regain my appetite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 748

You deserved it 5 335

By drunkluv - 12/04/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 072

You deserved it 4 192

Impressive

By Rachal - 30/01/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 790

You deserved it 10 933

By oh gee, you don't say - 15/12/2012 18:43 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 040

You deserved it 4 670

By deliveryboy - 05/03/2011 15:46 - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 755

You deserved it 8 863

Mystery toilet

By wellcrap - 03/10/2013 05:41 - United States - Carrollton

Today, I walked into a really fancy hotel bathroom. I spoke to the attendant and gave her my purse and coat while I used the toilet. When I came out, she was gone. The receptionist informed me they didn't have a bathroom attendant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 052

You deserved it 52 553

By penisgrabber - 15/12/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 515

You deserved it 7 090

Wish list

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 505

You deserved it 12 880

By Anonymous - 24/08/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 987

You deserved it 7 042

By dcait_1196 - 16/10/2010 13:14 - France

Today, I went to see Jackass 3 in 3D. While the previews were playing, some guy sitting next to me leaned over and began telling me what happens in every scene, completely ruining the movie for me. He tried to get my number afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 209

You deserved it 4 439

By Anonymous - 12/05/2011 07:54

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 538

You deserved it 5 703

By anonymous - 07/03/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 949

You deserved it 2 779

By a-scared - 06/08/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 693

You deserved it 8 666

By unfortunate419 - 17/02/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 473

You deserved it 2 722

By anonymous - 28/05/2013 00:56 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 887

You deserved it 15 223

By AbhorrentApplication - 28/04/2013 23:40 - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 235

You deserved it 38 920

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year-old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including a £600 guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 134

You deserved it 2 939

I need my sleep

By ShittyWalls - 09/03/2013 13:35 - United States - Moorestown

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 972

You deserved it 17 069

By skc - 14/03/2009 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 389

You deserved it 65 074

By Anonymous - 18/06/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 579

You deserved it 3 511

By cane - 05/03/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 210

You deserved it 65 522

Brave

By :// - 04/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 471

You deserved it 5 857

Explain like they're 5 year-olds

By Anonymous - 05/09/2013 06:57 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I was asked to dumb myself down so the people I was training could comprehend what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 787

You deserved it 7 023

By imy - 18/10/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 179

You deserved it 9 482

By anon - 25/07/2013 04:44 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, one of my coworkers asked if I hated my life and was depressed because of how I look most of the time. This is just my facial expression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 206

You deserved it 5 008

By Anonymous - 17/07/2013 16:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 859

You deserved it 54 944

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 055

You deserved it 12 852

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The Top

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 054

You deserved it 3 517

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 575

You deserved it 14 246

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 732

You deserved it 4 881

Today, I found out that my fifty five year-old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend, saying ,"I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 770

You deserved it 3 021

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 658

You deserved it 2 906

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 637

You deserved it 490