Intimacy: You've got a friend

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

agreeclassic 65 652

vote type 1 11 418

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Similar FMLs

Sexy time

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

agreeclassic 17 192

vote type 1 1 777

By hjgjh - 27/04/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

agreeclassic 97 620

vote type 1 23 408

By pissed off - 17/05/2014 00:33 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

agreeclassic 43 720

vote type 1 14 977

Get where you can!

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 02:14 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

agreeclassic 53 450

vote type 1 9 806

Stiff

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 05:02

Today, I had the house to myself so I lay on my bed with a porno for some me time. I was just about to begin when I felt a sting. A mosquito bit me right on the shaft. I’m allergic to mosquitos, so now I’m sweating, covered in hives and my knob is swollen in a very bad, not fun way. FML

agreeclassic 2 256

vote type 1 483

Hey Scratchy!

By Anonymous - 03/09/2019 18:00

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

agreeclassic 1 525

vote type 1 181

By swervelol - 20/08/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

agreeclassic 4 448

vote type 1 360

By unsuckable - 28/08/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

agreeclassic 23 914

vote type 1 4 176

By Anonymous - 21/03/2012 04:50 - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

agreeclassic 34 613

vote type 1 22 056

By jaqlove - 02/07/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

agreeclassic 14 041

vote type 1 2 647

goldered 2

Saturday 21 May 2011 16:37

Stop bragging on fml. It's inconsiderate of other people who get no action.

monkeywrench1 10

Saturday 21 May 2011 16:37

hey! at least something sucking it ;)

Comments

DCS_fml 0

Monday 30 May 2011 7:32

good one

mistieboo 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 4:15

lm o

relam 0

Thursday 2 June 2011 1:12

Ewww. FYL!

xXghostscreamzXx 0

Thursday 2 June 2011 4:28

at least you got some.

toeh5 0

Thursday 2 June 2011 5:07

lolzzzzz

MarvolousM 0

Thursday 9 June 2011 1:43

ill suck it

racermjc 0

Thursday 9 June 2011 2:53

forever alone.

bvballi1 5

Saturday 11 June 2011 5:03

yea something finally got some but man that's just gross lol

Leo_C_fml 0

Wednesday 15 June 2011 15:33

could be worse... imagine if that mosquito was carrying bot fly eggs...

RavenBurga 0

Thursday 16 June 2011 14:47

well that sucks

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

agreeclassic 36 166

vote type 1 9 392

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

agreeclassic 12 096

vote type 1 1 886

Today, the guy I made cookies for, spent hours getting ready for, and drove 3 hours in traffic to see never actually wanted me to come. When I knocked on his door, he opened it, but immediately closed it in my face. He then texted me saying, "I met someone else." FML

agreeclassic 33 444

vote type 1 3 152

Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML

agreeclassic 29 547

vote type 1 3 223

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

agreeclassic 4 105

vote type 1 224

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

agreeclassic 53 649

vote type 1 12 290