Health

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 016

You deserved it 2 049

By Deety - 18/01/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 162

You deserved it 809

Hang tight

By just hangin - 17/01/2017 12:00

Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my boss's house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 971

You deserved it 530

By Anonymous - 15/01/2017 22:00

Today, I went scuba diving for the first time. The diver took me down some 3 meters and I started showing the thumbs up. He thought I was excited. My breather wasn't working and I was using the sign he told me to use to go up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 817

You deserved it 781

By Snowtoe - 14/01/2017 14:00

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 459

You deserved it 3 185

By Ihatecleaning - 14/01/2017 12:00

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 298

You deserved it 550

By Anonymous - 14/01/2017 08:00

Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 698

You deserved it 691

By Kole - 13/01/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even that funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 567

You deserved it 1 921

By Anonymous - 10/01/2017 14:30

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 769

You deserved it 963

By Sayahh - 07/01/2017 08:07

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 636

You deserved it 3 252

Slippery when wet

By anonymous - 03/01/2017 01:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I managed to spill piping hot oil all over my kitchen floor, thinking it was too hot to clean right then and there I left it for a few hours to cool. I forgot about it, and slipped over in it bashing my head into my cupboard handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 738

You deserved it 1 870

By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 024

You deserved it 184

By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 590

You deserved it 927

By jazzterchic - 29/12/2016 15:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 632

You deserved it 401

By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 02:38

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 710

You deserved it 903

By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 838

You deserved it 605

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 353

You deserved it 1 969

By Christine - 24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 339

You deserved it 1 752

Ouch

By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today, my girlfriend's "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting and cold-sweating while pissing acidic blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 001

You deserved it 653

By SHRINKY - 23/12/2016 14:31

Today, we were looking forward to spending Xmas Eve with our best friends of 13 years before moving across the country where we know no one. That was the plan. The stomach flu virus had a different plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 554

You deserved it 500

By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 531

You deserved it 1 134

By Pill popping zit monster - 23/12/2016 04:16

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 225

You deserved it 663

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 00:22

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 641

You deserved it 738

By Drewski - 22/12/2016 00:11 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I'm recovering from my second back surgery. I survived four years in the Army with one combat tour without major injury, only to destroy my back the day after discharge by lifting my mother-in-law's suitcase into the trunk of her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 274

You deserved it 632

By uggghhhh - 21/12/2016 22:28

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 249

You deserved it 658

By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 387

You deserved it 5 075

By qld - 20/12/2016 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 258

You deserved it 3 590

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 04:02 - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 375

You deserved it 767

By Nick M - 19/12/2016 17:49

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 281

You deserved it 763

By Michael292 - 19/12/2016 06:33 - South Africa - Pietermaritzburg

Today, after recently getting stitches removed due to a surfing accident, I had to go to the hospital again to have my eye stitched up due to an idiot who brought a surfboard to a pool, got on it outside the pool, and it slipped from under him and into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 956

You deserved it 700

Michael292 tells us more.

Michael292 0

Tuesday 20 December 2016 11:13

Life is good, life is great, life is full of stitches...

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 837

You deserved it 28 411

Today, after days of constipation, I gave myself an enema to clear out the obstruction. My girlfriend has decided that I'm secretly gay and will not change her mind. She's already told her friends, who now want to take me shoe shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 103

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 489

You deserved it 4 900

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 141

You deserved it 7 182

Today, my husband walked in on me while I was masturbating and watching porn (yes women do it too). Now he thinks I’m unsatisfied with him or our sex life. All I wanted was a quick release. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 960

You deserved it 549

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 106