Dogs

Run for your life

By I Don't Exorcise - 10/05/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 252

You deserved it 3 055

Puppy training

By doggone - 05/05/2012 23:07 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 012

You deserved it 34 971

By really mom - 15/04/2012 17:38 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my mom started dipping into my college savings, just so she can continue throwing money away on visiting a medium who claims she can channel the spirit of our recently-deceased family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 455

You deserved it 2 129

Nothing better to do

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 06:57 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 166

You deserved it 40 340

Bad boy

By PicklesMcRaptor - 25/03/2012 11:59 - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 742

You deserved it 3 605

By Jimii Liu - 11/03/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Everytime I touched her, her jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 658

You deserved it 3 375

Good girl

By vanessa560 - 03/01/2012 19:44 - Canada

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 195

You deserved it 8 359

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 062

You deserved it 7 260

By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 3 540

This Alpha male shit has gone toor far

By HBC - 10/12/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 579

You deserved it 5 162

By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 3 613

Good boy

By bonertoolong - 23/11/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, I tried to teach my dog tricks. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I physically showed my dog how to roll, so I rolled on the floor in front of my dog. My sister recorded me and posted it on Facebook. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and my dog still can't roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 572

You deserved it 24 118

Paintwork

By MY CAR - 15/11/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 925

You deserved it 11 160

Pugs not drugs

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 521

You deserved it 5 516

Cujo

By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 035

You deserved it 2 899

Good boy

By macattack - 02/09/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 824

You deserved it 4 769

Who the **** is this guy?

By Username - 06/08/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 006

You deserved it 2 945

By CarrieRedburn - 27/07/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 541

You deserved it 2 889

By kacysospacyy - 15/07/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his 15 year-old daughter, the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 087

You deserved it 4 856

Losing it

By emegemerald - 04/07/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to visit my great-grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 808

You deserved it 2 629

By budbunny13 - 30/06/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 685

You deserved it 64 043

You're not the boss of me

By crazydog - 10/06/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 4 192

Checks out

By Asirual - 02/05/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 437

You deserved it 13 211

Pick it up

By Cassie - 02/05/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 396

You deserved it 51 041

Gettin' some

By Username - 01/05/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriend's dog. After several trips around the block, and plenty of strange looks, I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 520

You deserved it 46 463

By Anonymous - 23/04/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After I'd called her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 123

You deserved it 4 186

Good boy

By anonymous - 16/03/2011 02:05

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 210

You deserved it 6 165

By duncanisgey - 04/03/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 734

You deserved it 6 417

Traumatic

By Anonymous - 21/02/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 376

You deserved it 5 984

Pros and cons

By blahblah - 14/12/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 510

You deserved it 53 476

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The Top

Today, I have a job but can't be hired due to technical issues. This means that I'm technically not getting paid yet for the work I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 815

You deserved it 842

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 545

You deserved it 5 407

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 404

You deserved it 7 149

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 981

You deserved it 382

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 946

You deserved it 223

Today, I snuck into my aunt's house while she was working to raid her pantry, like I do most days. Excited for a snack cake, I went to the pantry. Apparently she'd found out, because there was a lock on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 2 082