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By hipprep83 - 20/03/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145 875

You deserved it 12 446

By mee - 02/01/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 422

You deserved it 3 838

By idefka - 08/04/2017 02:00

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 527

You deserved it 1 873

By Anonymous - 02/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 072

You deserved it 4 221

By McMuffin - 26/05/2017 14:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter ran with arms wide open towards me, smiling, only to pass me by and hug the gardener instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 282

You deserved it 572

By Hmm - 06/06/2017 16:19

Today, I gave a coworker a lift to the next town over town catch a train. When I picked him up, he was wasted, and halfway there he asked me to pull over so he could puke. He managed not to blow chunks, but crapped his pants in the process. He left a stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 075

You deserved it 515

Dr.Pickles tells us more.

Dr.Pickles 10

Sunday 4 June 2017 22:40

OP here, i did finally get the stain removed!! I think I went through 7 layers of shock when this all happened , but I couldn't kick him out of the truck. He was on his way to his mom's funeral. Thankfully I will leave that job before he returns from his travels. No awkward moments here, and I'll definitely be avoiding his calls. It definitely made me question doing so much for others but I'd do it again.

Can't filter that

By Weightlosshereicome - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 742

You deserved it 4 647

By Anonymous - 17/07/2016 17:31

Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 330

You deserved it 1 042

By Horror_girl - 07/01/2018 15:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I found out that my crippling sciatica is caused by my 32M size breasts on my petite frame. The same breasts that I've been begging doctors to reduce for nearly 10 years. They deny it's a "real problem" and I can't afford a private operation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 361

You deserved it 328

Fight! Fight! Fight!

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 17:54 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 707

You deserved it 2 037

By sagecamreyyy - 06/11/2018 15:30

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 703

You deserved it 278

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 795

You deserved it 3 377

By fuglymug - 08/01/2016 21:48 - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 475

You deserved it 2 371

By badpigeon - 24/02/2017 18:35 - France - Le Mans

Today, I was on my motorbike, riding through town, when a bird collided with my crash helmet. I lost my balance, and fell. As a result: a leg, a rib and a wrist of mine were broken. The EMT guy helpfully reassured me that the pigeon was A-OK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 532

You deserved it 605

What the…?

By hitlerfish - 14/03/2017 22:00

Today, while meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, the first comment I received was, "Well, at least this one is white." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 047

You deserved it 463

Creepy creep alert. Run!

By LeaveMeAlone - 06/04/2017 04:00

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 673

You deserved it 323

By Ackno - 06/05/2017 16:00

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 118

You deserved it 1 785

By disappointment son - 19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 517

You deserved it 251

By sad-boing - 02/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 977

You deserved it 6 927

By lentkaysi - 10/09/2015 22:55 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn't deliver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 626

You deserved it 2 226

lentkaysi tells us more.

lentkaysi 8

Friday 11 September 2015 16:42

wow thanks for all the comments guys! yes, my luck in this case was awful. for those wondering, I did pay my insurance. the issue wasn't non payment. I just bought my car less than a month ago. Progressive, my company, never informed me of the photo inspection with new cars and since this is my first new car I had no idea. They chose their sole form of communication through postal service. Never received an email. so comp and collision were cancelled on my car insurance. Now the post office is 100% responsible for fixing my car. However, since its the government insurance they take their sweet time. I will be without my car for many months unless my insurance will cover and they can reimburse my insurance. You guessed it....that's not gonna happen. yes I will be suing. yes I will be without my brand new car, that now has $7000 worth of damage. fml.