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Hey guys, OP here. I just wanted to say a few things, first off, I was awoken by the sound of the lizards running around in their habitat, not by cries or crunches or whatever. Secondly, the lizards were the same size and opposing genders so I was told to put them together by the person who sold the lizards to me. Lastly, unfortunately by the time I got to them, the other lizard (Female in case you were wondering) was already half inside of the other's stomach.

Leaked

By nudie - 19/07/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 733

You deserved it 56 673

Panic!

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 13:29 - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cops laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 122

You deserved it 32 265

By cassie0216 - 02/02/2016 04:17 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my mailman refused to deliver my mail for an undetermined amount of time, because my 8 year-old, arthritic dog, who can barely walk, "made him feel threatened." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 777

You deserved it 1 657

cassie0216 tells us more.

cassie0216 5

Tuesday 2 February 2016 19:16

The fact is, my wife was in the front yard with my dog when this happened. She apologized that my dog was in the way and the mailman still refused to give her the mail. I totally understand the position of the mailman. And I did actually move my mailbox last night. I'm just upset with the way he handled the situation because we try our best to keep the dogs in our back yard around the time the mail is going to be delivered. It just happened that my dog really had to pee!

By calli - 25/12/2009 21:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 483

You deserved it 4 617

By misfitunfit - 05/11/2014 15:58 - United States

Today, I burned my hand while making breakfast. As I staggered around the kitchen in agony, looking for some burn cream, my cat figured he'd latch onto said hand and drag his claws through the burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 043

You deserved it 3 726

misfitunfit tells us more.

misfitunfit 21

Wednesday 5 November 2014 23:37

He's usually such a sweet cat! I have no idea if I scared him or what :/ Still hurts!

Bad influence

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 438

You deserved it 12 019

First time, last time

By tuggernuts - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 612

You deserved it 44 799

By Username - 29/07/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 361

You deserved it 7 361

By Anonymous - 14/09/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 257

You deserved it 5 514

By penguindude82 - 06/05/2012 07:38 - United States - Dallas

Today, I had a huge yard sale. Since I live in a good neighborhood, I decided to leave the stuff out tonight rather than pack it all in for only a few hours. The news didn't say anything about the impending severe thunderstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 722

You deserved it 33 848

By lauren - 08/07/2010 04:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 40

By jenpearl - 20/06/2015 01:06 - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 041

You deserved it 9 228

By sleepless - 18/02/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, I let my little sister sleep in my room because she had a nightmare. She is currently snoring like an overweight 40 year-old man with a cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 781

You deserved it 3 531

Yes problem

By DarkDolly - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 459

You deserved it 3 238

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 695

You deserved it 3 735

Uncomfortable

By maidmyday - 12/08/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 232

You deserved it 7 766

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 135

You deserved it 21 555

To each his own

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 430

You deserved it 4 912

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 20:56 - United States

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 090

You deserved it 4 022

Freudian slip

By MollyMadamme - 01/02/2011 00:33

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 014

You deserved it 6 378

FML on Facebook

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Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 674

You deserved it 3 223

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 288

You deserved it 2 742

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 590

You deserved it 2 896

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 40 430

Today, my boyfriend and his bandmates were doing a live interview for a web show. Drunk off his ass, my boyfriend starts telling the internet how his ex-girlfriend is his biggest inspiration. I was standing right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 011

You deserved it 3 978

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 228

You deserved it 7 988