Your everyday life stories

Forgiveness

notacaveman - 16/04/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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Long distance

singlesailor - 19/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

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richkief76 - 10/05/2011 02:34

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

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Congrats

Anonymous - 27/01/2013 22:44 - Canada - Rosetown

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

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abercrombieef - 27/08/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

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Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:13 - Canada

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

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Dickhead - 25/11/2011 15:02 - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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Anonymous - 18/10/2011 19:36 - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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Priorities

MacBook - 14/05/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for a day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dad's slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. In total, we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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painedandpissed - 10/08/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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fugachumi - 07/08/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

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Hott

purple - 24/03/2012 05:30 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

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Many such cases

gaga - - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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The Pitt

Anonymous - 18/06/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

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Janitor - 08/03/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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tallwoman - 18/05/2010 18:57 - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

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Dang y'all

Kayak - - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

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jamisbetter - 11/04/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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quarterback - 23/01/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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brsoxgirl - 15/07/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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Ugh - 27/02/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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keisha89 - 22/06/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

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superhero1043 - 14/05/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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Anonymous - 05/01/2014 01:08 - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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caempa - 29/12/2010 18:13 - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

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John W. - 12/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

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lambxox - 08/11/2010 09:04 - United States

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

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Anonymous - 12/05/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

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ripped - 11/04/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

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Anonymous - 19/06/2011 01:11 - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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Today, I realized I've been using conditioner instead of shampoo for the last month. I was wondering why my hair never felt clean but always smelled great. Now I have to explain to my friends that my new "shampoo routine" was actually just expensive conditioner and ignorance. FML

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Today, I got a stomach bug. Then my three kids joined in like it was a team sport. My husband decided his actual soccer game was more important. FML

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Today, I got written up at work for a mistake I did not even do, and that I even helped solve. FML

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Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

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