The Top

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 275

You deserved it 20 972

By Natasha - 29/10/2015 08:58 - United States - Seattle

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 811

You deserved it 7 291

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 451

You deserved it 2 804

Theater kid

By juliet - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 832

You deserved it 6 366

By Nick - 20/03/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life." She has had the same mullet haircut since '84. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 279

You deserved it 9 134

By earthlyscum - 19/05/2015 02:27 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I woke up to my roommates "pet" snake casually lying in bed with me. I then got yelled at for screaming and scaring the snake. Apparently, it's my fault that it bit my chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 022

You deserved it 3 685

earthlyscum tells us more.

earthlyscum 19

Tuesday 19 May 2015 22:10

**** that, I'll eat the damn thing first

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 107

You deserved it 5 505

Dude, STFU!

By Cyberdeeder - 13/10/2008 08:19

Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 162

You deserved it 20 275

By mooseknuckle - 31/05/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 835

You deserved it 50 763

By Noname - 12/03/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 150 459

You deserved it 22 982

Lunch is on me

By crosseyed - 10/06/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 323

You deserved it 74 561

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 10/08/2012 05:29 - Europe

Today, after my boyfriend and I had gotten frisky last night, I found a note on the front door of my building that read, "Dear girl in apartment 3D, from now on please close the blinds all the way or lose 30 pounds. Either would be acceptable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 791

You deserved it 18 308

By mjbx - 01/01/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 863

You deserved it 16 009

By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/08/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 239

You deserved it 1 995

By grizzlybear - 27/06/2011 05:55 - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 247

You deserved it 7 017

By unloved - 17/04/2012 14:54 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 764

You deserved it 2 753

By anonymous - 14/03/2012 05:18 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 080

You deserved it 14 197

By Haley. - 26/03/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 341

You deserved it 6 548

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 669

You deserved it 64 356

By GrippedMyBalls - 15/07/2009 13:21 - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 385

You deserved it 9 047

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 676

You deserved it 62 650

By poop - 03/04/2013 18:45

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 919

You deserved it 6 623

Fine, let her catch something

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year-old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother, who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year-old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 111

You deserved it 3 074

By Blackberry - 10/07/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 769

You deserved it 83 172

By msmidnight1965 - 22/09/2013 17:22 - Canada

Today, my husband refused to let our 7-week-old daughter have a pacifier, because he doesn't want her growing up to be a "whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 863

You deserved it 4 885

msmidnight1965 tells us more.

msmidnight1965 12

Sunday 22 September 2013 23:27

We have those orthodontic ones that help with oral development. They also resemble the nipple during breast feeding.

By jimmyt420 - 29/11/2009 09:33 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 584

You deserved it 16 116

By Anonymous - 03/07/2014 16:42 - France - Beausoleil

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 635

You deserved it 4 644

Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 274

You deserved it 11 151

Bruh…

By ... - 06/06/2011 07:44 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 807

You deserved it 6 724

By J Rush - 21/03/2012 11:46 - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 269

You deserved it 3 253

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The Top

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 368

You deserved it 572

Today, I got robbed. They took my stereo and laptop, but they left my car and a note that reads "Wtf is this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 273

You deserved it 375

A great power implies great responsibilities

I agree, your life sucks 3 394

You deserved it 3 297

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 365

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 422

Today, I was out camping with my boyfriend and his friends. I asked my boyfriend to give me a roasted marshmallow, asking him if it was cooled down and he said yes. I put it in my mouth and it was piping hot. They all laughed to the point of tears, all while videoing me screaming and running in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 197

You deserved it 298