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By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 07:32 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 382

You deserved it 7 160

Red flag

By NormalName - 19/08/2017 13:00

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that, "all Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same." My name is Christopher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 881

You deserved it 267

By Flyier - 30/09/2017 04:30

Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 988

You deserved it 302

Biohazard

By seriouslysinglenomingle - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 730

You deserved it 457

In on it

By u raised him - 10/02/2018 01:30

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 428

You deserved it 592

By Anonymous - 27/03/2018 22:00 - United States - Papillion

Spicy

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. He actually had the balls to say her leg was asleep and he was trying to wake it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 524

You deserved it 365

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Spicy

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 980

You deserved it 512

Incognito IRL

By Stressed out mom - 07/03/2018 01:30

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 181

You deserved it 3 349

By princeronron - 08/09/2015 02:02 - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 701

You deserved it 6 045

Uh oh

By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 22:00

Spicy

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 270

You deserved it 531

By Too Many Credits - 08/04/2017 20:00

Today, after having too many projects for end of term, I asked to borrow my sister's paper that she used for the same class last year. After submitting it online, I found the example paper that the teacher handed out. My teacher used my sister's paper from last year as an example for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 910

You deserved it 13 584

Woozy

By Dunzo15 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202 811

You deserved it 52 156

Put those away

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 069

You deserved it 1 907

By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 928

You deserved it 15 163

By rupture-imminente - 12/07/2017 21:00 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend gave me a squeaky dog toy because "I don't know why, but it made me think of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 018

You deserved it 421

NEVER JOKE ABOUT FLUFFY

By Sheepiebeepie - 11/08/2017 04:30

Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 180

You deserved it 456

If you don't have anything nice to say...

By Insecure - 11/10/2017 01:00 - Canada - Halifax

Spicy

Today, I engaged in a healthy round of rebound sex to get over my ex, who was very controlling of my body. During the act, Mr. Rebound said my nipples looked like pepperoni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 756

You deserved it 1 331

By Anonymous - 26/05/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 984

You deserved it 456

By JJ - 21/03/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Spicy

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 479

You deserved it 9 533

Nervous

By amelie - 09/12/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting down on one knee, he farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 745

You deserved it 721

Right back!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 421

You deserved it 939

By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 968

You deserved it 885

Not the expected outcome

By Thanksiguess - 19/02/2018 15:00

Today, I told my dad that I'm pregnant. He shook his head and said, sadly, "What a waste. You're way too young to throw your life away like this." Silly me; I was worried that at 46 I might be too old for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 021

You deserved it 405

By caroline - 29/10/2015 20:02 - Germany

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 356

You deserved it 2 943

By Bibi - 16/07/2017 21:30 - Brazil - Brasilia

Today, I found out why a boy I like has been ignoring me since we went out for drinks the other night. I accidentally got too drunk and remember nothing except that I decided to play on my phone for awhile. The next day he wouldn't even talk to me and when I asked why, he told me that I had drunkenly revealed to him that I had multiple crushes, all of their names, and had showed him all of my conversations with them on WhatsApp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 7 408

By Justlooking - 28/07/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, my new husband of two weeks attempted to solicit sex from a hooker. He tried to excuse himself by saying, "I would never cheat on you! I was just looking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 449

You deserved it 593

By egsrox95 - 01/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 837

You deserved it 346

By Doglover - 02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 929

You deserved it 966

By kvb81295 - 21/07/2016 08:17

Today, my new girlfriend took me on a double date with her, her best friend and her best friend's new girlfriend. Which would have been fine, if her best friend's girlfriend wasn't my recent ex. The small world of a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 046

You deserved it 1 678

kvb81295 tells us more.

kvb81295 9

Friday 22 July 2016 16:56

Hey OP here, My ex an I didn't exactly end on good terms which is what was really awful. My ex had actually been seeing the girl for a little while before we broke up. She broke up with me because she had finally decided her new girlfriend was worth leaving me for. I had never met nor cared to who the girl she left me for was. I met my current girlfriend at a coffee shop a few weeks after. This was the first time I was meeting her best friend, and the first time my girlfriend was meeting her best friends girlfriend.

By otherdad? - 30/03/2018 19:00

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 865

You deserved it 448

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The Top

The Top

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 207

You deserved it 3 533

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 771

You deserved it 3 023

Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 543

You deserved it 4 780

Today, my 4 year old's heavily pregnant teacher pulled me aside and asked me to talk to my son about "boundaries". Apparently, he asked her if she was going to "boobie feed" him and listed a few reasons why she should and why formula is bad, in front of the entire class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 720

You deserved it 3 339

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 042

You deserved it 4 857

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 958

You deserved it 1 818