Random FMLs

By kaitlyna15 - 01/08/2012 01:54 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 038

You deserved it 1 815

Shit eating grin

By lame - 31/12/2009 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy started talking to me, then suddenly lost interest. Afterwards, I saw the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 415

You deserved it 22 029

Breakups are hard

By majestic09 - 29/12/2023 08:00 - United States - Round Rock

Today, and for the last three months, I’ve felt super incompatible with my therapist, but I don’t know how to fire her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 443

By Cannachick - 17/07/2019 02:00

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 472

Hot revenge

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 00:01

Today, halfway through a blowjob, my girlfriend bit my penis because she suddenly decided that she was still annoyed at me for an argument we had last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 345

By Username - 23/08/2011 15:55 - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 834

You deserved it 5 001

Living free

By WhatTheFuck - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 818

You deserved it 1 824

By yay! - 08/11/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 796

You deserved it 32 298

Close quarters

By Frannny - 15/08/2023 20:00

Today, my mother-in-law pulled into our driveway like a bat out of hell, knocking down the mailbox, and nearly running over our dog who was outside. What was the rush? Hannity was gonna come on TV. My husband refuses to find this woman a home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 116

Poopy

By pandaface - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 236

You deserved it 5 922

By Anonymous - 11/03/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 033

You deserved it 4 363

By ZAS - 15/06/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 086

You deserved it 4 057

Such a rewarding career

By DirtyNurse - 05/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 08/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 053

You deserved it 5 793

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 01:43 - Canada - Moncton

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 630

You deserved it 2 294

Sneaky

By Anonymous - 15/06/2023 10:00

Today, I caught my dad stealing my money again, after I'd warned him he was on his last chance. I threw him out, since he’s been sleeping rough on my sofa. He reported me to the authorities for "elder abuse" and showed them fresh bruises I know the conniving old bastard gave himself. I was handcuffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 97

By CoalRose - 11/09/2016 20:33 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 307

You deserved it 5 268

Reminder

By dad - 29/06/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back into the house, screaming, "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 782

You deserved it 8 368

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

By Shouldn'taWornaThong - 10/02/2018 07:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 666

You deserved it 329

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 780

You deserved it 12 112

By weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 942

You deserved it 3 853

By Fox_Undercover - 30/04/2016 20:33 - United States - Wareham

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 461

You deserved it 2 956

By hairy - 30/09/2013 21:59 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 420

You deserved it 3 842

By never thought I'd say that - 22/08/2013 19:05 - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 751

You deserved it 2 858

Report card

By Jussy - 26/01/2021 17:01

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 162

By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 327

You deserved it 27 740

Set the scene

By Fire0fisis - 23/05/2012 09:38 - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 948

You deserved it 11 159

By ouch - 03/01/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 657

You deserved it 2 994

By Anonymous - 05/06/2015 15:58 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 128

You deserved it 3 516

J'accuse...!

By hockeymango57 - 24/09/2017 23:15

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 077

You deserved it 641

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The Top

Today, at the store, I went to the self checkout then dumbly tried to activate the touchscreen, without touching it. I stood there wondering why it wasn't turning on before realizing I hadn't touched the thing to turn it on, like I was going to get shocked by the screen or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 238

Today, I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked back into it, there were 5 long, gray, hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 019

You deserved it 3 515

Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 465

You deserved it 46 074

Today, I realized that the only place my missing vibrator can be is at the house of the people I just dogsat for. In their spare room. Which also serves as their kids' playroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 813

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 187

You deserved it 7 298

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 493

You deserved it 9 893