The Top

A street that didn't have a specific turning lane. And to clarify my blinker was on. Took awhile to turn because there was a lot of cars coming toward so I was there a while.

By nicholascageonyourface - 09/06/2013 05:13 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 450

You deserved it 5 153

By SnurklesMcGee - 12/02/2016 22:08 - Canada

Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 608

You deserved it 2 015

By Fillifilo - 18/04/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 801

You deserved it 3 815

Health scare

By sillygoose - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 387

You deserved it 44 977

Read the room

By IsThisRealLife - 01/02/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 931

You deserved it 5 825

Hummmmm

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 177

You deserved it 10 555

By Anon - 26/01/2016 11:40 - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 685

You deserved it 3 136

By helloimkylieee - 25/01/2016 01:04 - United States - Tracy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 827

You deserved it 1 571

By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 193

You deserved it 9 462

Good initiative

By cough - 27/12/2019 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 766

You deserved it 238

By college0001 - 20/01/2016 06:06 - United States - Burlington

Today, my college roommate tried to kick me out, because what I say makes her uncomfortable. We haven't talked for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 865

You deserved it 1 847

By CrapDay - 18/01/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 191

You deserved it 1 806

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 04:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 788

You deserved it 6 098

By Blood on my hands - 07/08/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 178

You deserved it 25 763

By calivianya - 28/08/2012 04:49 - United States - Greensboro

Today, there's a cricket in my apartment. I don't know if I'm more annoyed by the fact that it somehow got up three flights of stairs to get here, or that my cat is so excited about it that he's jumping on me and howling in my face to announce the cricket's presence instead of killing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 142

You deserved it 2 200

calivianya tells us more.

calivianya 29

Tuesday 28 August 2012 18:02

Just so you guys know, I have a whole lot of furniture. I'm pretty sure the cricket was hiding under one of the pieces of furniture, but every time I got near my couch, ottoman, armchair, side table, or bookcase, it stopped chirping. It was pretty hard to tell where it was coming from!

Ratatouille 2: Electric Boogaloo

By poorstupidrat - 07/02/2017 14:49 - Hong Kong - Hong Kong

Today, a rat ran into my flat when I opened my front door. After chasing it around the house for a bit, I saw it run towards the open front door. I couldn't find it again, so I figured he'd left. Then I heard my heater shaking loudly, a horrific squeaking sound, and the fan shuddering to a stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 477

You deserved it 476

mishmish5 tells us more.

mishmish5 0

Tuesday 7 February 2017 13:33

Hi everyone, I'm the OP. I can't believe after all these years I finally got an FML published! I agree with all the comments that this is incredibly sad - for almost a week afterwards I was having flashbacks about the terrible sounds and the sight of blood and hair in the heater. The second the heater started shaking I knew what had happened and tried to turn it off right away. The squeaking stopped once I turned it off, but then I could hear frantic scratching which started to become slower and slower as the minutes passed. I still feel sick thinking about it :( My lovely and brave colleague came to help me (I live in China and we are all provided flats in the same building). He took apart the heater, got the rat out (he was wedged between the fan and the top of the unit), and cleaned everything for me. Unfortunately the rat was still alive when we got him out, so my very brave colleague took him outside and ended his suffering because there was no way he could be saved (and there aren't animal hospitals in China, at least in our area). As for getting a new heater, like I said I live in China, and the owner of the university I work at is really cheap. So I'm working on it, but don't see them shelling out the money for a new heater unfortunately.