The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By hakuna_matata - 31/12/2015 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 135

You deserved it 8 930

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 387

You deserved it 16 811

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 3 334

Kids these days, eh?

By child - 10/12/2015 02:24 - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 480

You deserved it 1 567

By Stargirl - 28/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 051

You deserved it 756

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 775

You deserved it 3 774

By Thatgirl - 14/04/2019 20:00

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 032

You deserved it 292

By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 08/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 656

You deserved it 20 206

Get cracking

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 449

You deserved it 324

By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 857

You deserved it 1 720

You wanker

By Jeremy - 10/05/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 323

You deserved it 87 377

By Degueusement - 18/08/2014 04:48 - France - Puteaux

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 832

You deserved it 11 029

By jackjona - 16/12/2016 06:03 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 023

You deserved it 1 078

By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 749

You deserved it 1 056

Waste of time and money

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 2 509

Creepy Uncle Dave

By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/06/2019 20:00

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 852

You deserved it 237

Distracted

By LonelyAngel22 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. I guess I know the answer then… FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 739

You deserved it 1 745

Hush

By furious parent - 03/07/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 106

You deserved it 350

By IamHM - 19/09/2015 22:43 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found my diamond earring, which had gone missing. The vet had to surgically remove it from my dog. Despite having made the voyage through the dog's digestive tract, the earring is more expensive than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 678

You deserved it 1 921

IamHM tells us more.

IamHM 14

Sunday 20 September 2015 22:37

Bingo! He's a black lab. And apparently likes shiny things.

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 20:00

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 1 034

Delicious hell

By superdrinkingbud - 23/06/2017 02:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 045

You deserved it 616

Technique

By icandothecancan - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 035

You deserved it 6 283

Parent-sanctioned violence

By Momma - 26/03/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter informed me that, in order to train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap him whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped him 8 times already and unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 1 134

Law and order

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 354

You deserved it 3 291

By tortureromoretorture - 27/08/2015 00:28 - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 314

You deserved it 1 695

Ewww

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 721

You deserved it 2 393

By Anonymous - 08/08/2019 22:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 936

You deserved it 350

Kinda sus

By JPlays - 13/09/2016 03:31 - United States - Henderson

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message halfway through completion, saying the deal was off because my prices were "so low, it seems like a scam." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 581

You deserved it 970

By Anonymous - 02/09/2019 02:00

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 843

You deserved it 297

Rush hour

By lateforwork - 02/09/2019 14:00

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 756

You deserved it 257

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The Top

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 157

You deserved it 4 965

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My best friend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 046

You deserved it 3 276

Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 780

You deserved it 909

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 880

You deserved it 589

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 344

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting had a severe peanut allergy, and he looked me dead in the eye as he ate a peanut bar before I could stop him. His sister swore up and down that I made him eat it. Guess who the parents believed, even after I rushed him to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 440

You deserved it 123