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Ham-fisted attempt

By HamHanded - 10/03/2017 09:17

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 689

You deserved it 730

Cheeky

By anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:07 - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 444

You deserved it 1 975

By FangirlMess6 - 24/03/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 853

You deserved it 340

Far out, man

By RyoKioKio - 21/04/2019 12:00

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 368

By Silent - 03/12/2009 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 353

You deserved it 3 832

You tried

By Pims - 15/04/2017 12:00

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 751

You deserved it 669

By leftwardfoil - 19/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 641

You deserved it 3 411

By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident he'll win every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 681

You deserved it 4 662

By Kelly - 26/05/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 402

You deserved it 152

By ohcrap - 02/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 506

You deserved it 16 147

By hannah - 26/06/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 787

You deserved it 368

By WakeUpToADream - 25/09/2015 20:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 302

You deserved it 1 984

By raven_of_azarath - 29/07/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 169

By NotBuyingATractor - 02/09/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 672

You deserved it 1 535

By Zizisouriant - 02/02/2014 17:28 - France

Today, my hubby found it funny to draw a smiling face out of nail polish on his penis. He found it much less funny when I had to use nail polish remover to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 11/05/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 862

You deserved it 4 247

Happy Doggo Day!

By Holyguacamoly - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 286

You deserved it 4 959

By chumman - 06/05/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 198

You deserved it 20 936

By Sam - 04/05/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 720

You deserved it 5 227

By Flattie - 14/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 604

You deserved it 363

Weird flex, but OK

By incestastic - 14/08/2010 23:23 - Canada

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 512

You deserved it 3 071

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 248

You deserved it 37 183

By anonymous - 15/08/2016 03:35 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I received a birthday card from my dad, over a week late. It was addressed to me using my maiden name, the enclosed check also made out to me using my maiden name. I've been married for over 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 264

You deserved it 1 559

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 20:00

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 660

You deserved it 344

By woohoo420 - 04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 659

You deserved it 41 518

Woodstove Explosion Fail

By FML Approved - 04/11/2017 03:00 - United States - Liberty

Well that experiment was a bust.

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 332

By thatsasquee - 21/05/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 364

You deserved it 5 788

By lastinclass - 13/07/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 244

You deserved it 1 063

By Anonymous - 06/01/2018 19:00

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 917

You deserved it 1 377

Etymology

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 21:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 1 024

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The Top

Today my mom, bored lover of games and mysteries, bragged about outsmarting scammers by burning all the post and gifts they have been sending her. For a special birthday / Christmas, I'd splurged on an expensive, interactive mystery game where you are mailed clues over the course of 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 994

You deserved it 1 576

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 984

You deserved it 9 967

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 800

You deserved it 5 305

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 681

You deserved it 5 151

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 40

Today, I awoke to an excruciating pain in my back from sleeping in the same position all night. I can't wipe my own ass. I've already gone to shit twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 134