The Top

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By jnr1234 - 20/06/2012 02:15 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 653

You deserved it 2 480

By meg265 - 24/10/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I discovered that when you're the maid of honor giving a toast at your best friend's wedding, it's important to make sure the zipper on your dress is secured. Otherwise, your bare breasts and Hello Kitty panties could end up exposed to a wedding party of 600 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 129

You deserved it 9 178

By sandysmith - 18/02/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 619

You deserved it 34 095

By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 869

You deserved it 3 756

By fattymcbutterpants - 19/06/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 819

You deserved it 3 533

By PrezKisame - 03/01/2013 20:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to take a shower. Afterwards, I noticed I'd forgotten to bring a shirt to change into, so I put on a towel and went back to my room, only to witness my 14-year-old brother and a friend smelling my bra, commenting on "how warm it is". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 341

You deserved it 2 626

PrezKisame tells us more.

PrezKisame 3

Friday 4 January 2013 4:05

My door doesn't lock. Problem

By mrteacher - 21/08/2009 22:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 240

You deserved it 47 316

This is going to be one long month

By :|( - 22/10/2013 01:40 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 274

You deserved it 3 019

By roadkill0321 - 07/11/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 515

You deserved it 5 390

By rileym797 - 17/06/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 433

You deserved it 4 698

By Brie - 05/09/2011 13:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 250

You deserved it 3 214

Planning

By holly - 18/07/2010 14:18 - Germany

Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocked on the door and introduced himself with a smile, saying he wanted to know my "schedule." I replied, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he replied, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 091

You deserved it 20 210

By Anonymous - 06/09/2012 01:34 - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 946

You deserved it 2 898

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 167

You deserved it 24 384

By luvlessbootycall - 24/07/2010 05:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 815

You deserved it 6 892

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 290

You deserved it 12 352

Smooth

By Rhine - 16/12/2012 23:51 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 199

You deserved it 15 084

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 12:54 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 698

You deserved it 4 986

By 409sPoisonGirl - 21/12/2011 05:12 - Australia

Today, my separation anxiety got so intense, I found myself smelling my boyfriend's pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 501

You deserved it 8 763

409sPoisonGirl tells us more.

409sPoisonGirl 12

Friday 12 April 2013 8:49

Amazing what you find when you're reading the random FMLs... OP here. Let me explain - at the time this was posted, I was pregnant and suffering from terrible morning sickness. Believe it or not, that worked a treat! And helped me cheer up as well... To everyone who said their partner is/was in the service, I hope they come home safe and sound. I respect both you and your partners. God bless.

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 637

You deserved it 13 783

By onthemarket - 08/09/2010 19:46 - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 610

You deserved it 4 178

By Keaton - 15/06/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 207

By eejit - 21/02/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 721

You deserved it 67 587

By Anonymous - 14/07/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I checked the Facebook event page that I had set up a week ago for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who'd said yes was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 483

You deserved it 5 573

By Unsatisfied - 16/12/2009 06:15 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 4 701

It's a mystery

By ilivealoneandwhatthefuck - 23/06/2013 17:02 - Guam - Yigo

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 320

You deserved it 4 345

By dangerZone - 27/02/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 110

You deserved it 5 741

By TheNerd - 12/05/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 580

You deserved it 9 816

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 562

You deserved it 5 390

By sickdisney - 21/05/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 119

You deserved it 36 042

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The Top

The Top

Today, after staying up late all week to get work done, I arrived at my job having accomplished all my goals. In my sleep-deprived stupor, I completely forgot to bring the briefcase that had all of the evidence of that hard work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 453

You deserved it 2 673

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 276

You deserved it 3 917

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 662

You deserved it 8 070

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 7 747

Today, my mom told me the night before our school trip that I’m not going so she could get a refund. Now I have to stay alone with my mom for a week, while my friends are having the time of their life in NYC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 145

Today, as I was trying to get into the grocery store, I had a sneezing fit. I've typically never had one, so I didn't really know how to handle it. This one was a new record: 11 sneezes and I hadn't had the foresight to bring tissues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 102