Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 16/01/2018 02:32

Today my dog crawled into my bed like he always does, wanting to get his morning rubs from me while I’m usually half asleep. After a while, I panicked a little cos I felt what I thought were irregular bumps on his belly. Turns out I was rubbing my buddy’s testicles for a good couple minutes

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 14

By Alone for life - 16/01/2018 02:08

Today, my girlfriend, someone I've loved and lived with for over 3 years and that I was about to propose to, told me that she has a crush on my brother. Fuck my life.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 3

By Sickandpreggo:/ - 15/01/2018 19:21

Today, I found out another one of the many joys of being eight months pregnant is that if I vomit, I piss uncontrollably until I stop vomiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 3

By wtf - 15/01/2018 19:00 - United States - Concord

Today, my father informed me that I was no longer welcome at his home. The unpardonable offense? Chewing gum in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 120

You deserved it 390

By Jee - 15/01/2018 17:51

Today, my father literally tried making me feel bad because I wanted to use what little was left of my own money to go to a friends Birthday party, instead of using it to pay off more of his debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 2

By BloodyFace - 15/01/2018 17:15

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex while I was on my period, I didn't feel much flow, but when we finished his whole hand and body was covered in blood. To top it off, he rubbed his hand all over my face and declared "Your initiation is now complete." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 19

By Anonymous - 15/01/2018 15:36

Today, my wife and I rearranged the furniture in our bedroom, so that she could have a desk in there to work. I lost 2 feet of space between the bed and the dresser. There is just enough room now for me to trip, fall into the dresser and get stuck. My ribs and back are killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 8

By Komei's goddaddy - 15/01/2018 15:19

Today, at the mall, I ran into a lost and crying little girl, it's my best friend's. She recognized me and clung onto me. While I was calling her dad, some nosey old woman heard me say "... if you still want to see her...". She snatched her from me and caused a scene, as 2 officers grabbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 4

By Aki - 15/01/2018 10:40

Today, after 1 year of dedication, delivering commendable results and meeting all the targets set by owner, I was supposed to have an appraisal call. 1hour prior to the call I'm laid off with immediate effect as I am not performing as per expectations! Last month I rejected 2 better job offers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

By Jingersnappp - 15/01/2018 09:38 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my boyfriend and I went to Chipotle for dinner. I got a lot of toppings on my taco, when the guy checking us out said, “sorry your order is a little messy, there’s a lot in there.” To which I replied, “it’s alright, I love when my taco is stuffed full” FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 25

By prettyshittynight - 15/01/2018 06:54 - United States - Irving

Today, my boyfriend and I slept over at his parents house. I woke up around 5am with a horrible stomach ache and rushed to the bathroom.. I didn't make it in time. I then had to wash myself and my shit stained clothes off in the only shower in the house, which was connected to his parents' room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 4

By "catwithwatermelononhead" - 15/01/2018 06:00

Today, after being married for 10 years, I realized my husband doesn't playfully shake my hand after we kiss to be cute or funny. He does it to make my breasts jiggle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 9

By Anthony123 - 15/01/2018 05:04

Today, I was at work and I design kitchens and after 45 minutes of going over things the customer I was helping he showed me the pictures of the space he was planning to turn into a kitchen and while swiping he went one too far and it’s a dick pic. He locked his phone and left without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 4

By jtb3 - 15/01/2018 04:40 - Australia - Footscray

Today, My MacBook fan was getting way too hot... so I put it in the freezer for a bit to cool the computer down before it overheats.. I left it in there for 9 hours... Took it out, and it won't turn back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 144

By Huh? - 15/01/2018 04:21 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend's mother said, and I quote, "I forbid you to date my daughter because you will destroy the racial purity of our line." They are Japanese and I am white. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 9

By Pain in the crotch - 15/01/2018 04:14

Today, I am in the hospital, and as soon as my gf found out I have a catheter she started talking sexy and flashed me. I feel like a bullet ant burrowed in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 8

By "jurdaweirdo" - 15/01/2018 03:52

Today, I had a chug contest with my sister. We had to each drink 20 oz. of water. She won, and as soon as I released the bottle from my lips, all 20 oz. came out of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 13

By Renn - 15/01/2018 03:49

Today, me and my bf moved in with my mom because of money troubles. I’m pregnant and extremely horny, but every time my mother hears the slightest noise she runs into the room with a lecture and a viable script. I’m 27, engaged and pregnant. What can happen that hasn’t already?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 13

By Beckyy - 15/01/2018 03:23

Today, I was carrying a hot pot of pasta to the sink to drain the water and I tripped, spilling it all over me. I screamed in pain and asked my bf for help, but he was “in the middle of a game”. I’m in pain and he calls me a “whiner” because I didn’t want sex. I had 1st degree burns all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

By Bobby - 15/01/2018 02:28 - Australia

Today, I found out that the Hebrew tattoo I got on my chest while drunk in Vegas 2 years ago says "I Love Sydney." I am from Australia, but Sydney was the name of the stripper I was with all night. I have a stripper name tattooed on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 63

By patronizier? - 14/01/2018 23:37 - Philippines - San Pedro

Today, in the boutique I work in, a heavyset young woman came and asked for a size 28 inch pants. Thinking it was a joke, I offered our "largest" 28, a 52 mislabeled a 28. It fit her perfectly and gleefully bought it. Later, the same customer's furious, a bigger mother came in to have me fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 15

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up from my sleep, put my uniform on and proceeded to walk to work, only to realize it was pitch black and 3:30am. I don't start until 2pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 19

By Cokeandpepsi - 14/01/2018 21:28

Today, is my birthday and my husband and son decided to make waffles. I ate some and realized they used salt instead of sugar. My son's face looked so hopeful I had to eat it. I finished it and took a sip of my coffee. I immediately spit it out, and started gagging, then my son started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 11

By Shelby Ivey - 14/01/2018 20:46

Today I asked my husband to put some clothes in the washer and dryer while I take care of our child. He did, but he forgot to separate colors and whites. Now my favorite white shirt and several of my sons shirts are a nice faded pink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 6

By "Caci Johnson_1334690502" - 14/01/2018 20:22

Today, my daughter decided she was going to show her disapproval of my cooking by puking all over the kitchen table during dinner. Later, at bedtime, she then proceeded to puke again covering her bedding, pillow and her favorite stuffed animal. Guess who can't clean up vomit without puking myself? FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 13

By Sheryl - 14/01/2018 20:21 - United States

Today, I had intercourse for the first time... I fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 9

By Lazy McLazypants - 14/01/2018 20:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I cleaned my room more thoroughly than ever before to the point of being spotless. The problem? I was supposed to be working out. I am so lazy, I would rather clean my room then run a few laps around the block. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 29

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 19:59

Today, it is my 40th birthday, not only am I still a virgin I've not kissed a guy since I was 16. This depressed me so much I've spent all of my birthday moping in my pyjamas. Plus the batteries in my vibrator are dead and I can't muster the energy to go buy new ones FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 17

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 17:13

Today, an old coon at the grocery store berated me for having so many tattoos, saying they were "a sign of the devil" and adding that no one would ever hire me because of them. I'm a tattoo artist and I own my own shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 8

By "SunsetSiren" - 14/01/2018 17:07

Today, at a work holiday party, I was invited to go bar hopping after. They left me at the 2nd bar, and I couldn't afford the $80 Uber we were supposed to split, by myself. So I walked the mile back to my car, in the dark, downtown, by myself. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 6

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 425

You deserved it 1 360

Today, I went on a roadtrip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 772

You deserved it 4 855

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 916

You deserved it 9 500

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 866

You deserved it 80 647

Today, I found out I will possibly not be able to take my RCM 10 because one song doesn’t qualify. I have worked towards it for 3 years. I then got harassed on the subway. Then I fell for the taxi cab scam by a 12 year-old out of stress and had to cancel my credit card. Oh, and I have a test at 9 a.m. tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339

You deserved it 180

Today, I have a rowdy toddler who will run off if I'm not watching her like a hawk. I got sick of it and bought a tether for her. It works wonderfully, but now I get judgmental stares and nasty comments about "putting a child on a leash like a dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 122