Kids

Normal, right?

jj. - 15/01/2022 11:01

Today, my 9 year-old son told me that sometimes he gets stiff “down there.” I assured him that it’s perfectly normal, but then he added that it only happens when he hears his stomach growling. Um, what? FML

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Switching off

Anonymous - 14/01/2022 17:04

Today, my wife finally gave up on our autistic 11 year-old son and decided to have him taken into a care facility, because his autism is so bad, all he can do is sleep, stare vacantly, play on his iPad, or scream for hours. I’m kind of glad he’s leaving, but I can’t shake the dam guilt. FML

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Sex ed

Anonymous - 14/01/2022 05:01

Today, despite warning her multiple times, my daughter has gone and got herself pregnant by an idiot who has never held a job for more than 3 months, and once confidently told me the moon landing was a conspiracy. And yes, he scarpered the second he found out she was pregnant. FML

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She'll get over it, one day, maybe

InkedGirl - 14/01/2022 01:59

Today, is the day I got my first tattoo. It's also the day where my mom screamed at me, gave me the silent treatment, and kicked me out of the house. Apparently I’m not considered her daughter anymore, because my skin is “damaged” now. I don’t have other family anywhere, and I have nowhere to go. FML

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Daddy's girl, heartless father

what? - 13/01/2022 23:01

Today, my daughter asked me to hug her and tell her I love her, like I "always used to", because she “misses it.” She’s 25 years-old and acts like a little baby. FML

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Between a rock and a hard place

Anonymous - 12/01/2022 22:59

Today, my mom wanted to kick me out of the house, but she has a brain tumor and can’t be left alone. I want to leave this place, but I can’t leave her. I’m ready to quit. FML

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Unpaid

Anonymous - 12/01/2022 10:59

Today, I informed my daughter-in-law that I’m a granny, not an unpaid, on-call 24/7 babysitter, and no, I will not be babysitting her kids all day so she can go to an all-day brunch with her similarly selfish girlfriends. She threw an actual tantrum and threatened to put me in a home. FML

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Thanks dad

Anonymous - 12/01/2022 01:59

Today, I found out that my dad left his entire estate to charity in his will, including his house. He knew I needed that house to get my kids back, because I’m currently homeless and my kids are in care until I can prove I have a suitable place for us to live. FML

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Proportional response

Anonymous - 10/01/2022 11:01

Today, in a fit of rage, my mom confessed to me that I was adopted, and if she had the chance to turn back time, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. All because I ate the last ice cream sandwich. FML

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Whine dad

Anonymous - 09/01/2022 16:59

Today, whenever I leave my husband alone with the kids, he still refers to it as "babysitting", especially when he’s complaining about it to his brothers as the reason he never has fun anymore. I always assumed dads were parents too, not unpaid babysitters who get to whine about it. FML

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Nice guys

Anonymous - 09/01/2022 05:01

Today, my stepson punched a girl because she wouldn’t accept his apology about punching her last week, when she wouldn’t lend him her pen. At this point I’m convinced he will one day go to prison for murder during a bar brawl or wife beating, since he has a temper and only seems to hit girls. FML

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Her body, her choice

Anonymous - 08/01/2022 08:01

Today, my wife decided she wants to disregard our five-year plan to have kids, and is experimenting with the idea of having her tubes tied. FML

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Shitty situation

Anonymous - 08/01/2022 05:01

Today, I went to change my one year-old son's diaper and it was a total disaster! He'd picked at his diaper and it came loose. There was poop all over his sleeper, and when I went to clean it up, he put his hands in it. Let's just say I threw the damn sleeper away. FML

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My kids would never lie

au. - 06/01/2022 05:01

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting had a severe peanut allergy, and he looked me dead in the eye as he ate a peanut bar before I could stop him. His sister swore up and down that I made him eat it. Guess who the parents believed, even after I rushed him to the hospital. FML

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Make it stop

Anonymous - 04/01/2022 20:01 - United States

Today, after years of trying, my husband and I did IVF, fertilized 5 eggs, and the whole process was really rough. Now, a year after giving birth to our daughter, my husband wants to use another egg, but I don’t want to go through that all again. FML

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Are you lonesome tonight?

Anonymous - 04/01/2022 11:01 - United States - Miami

Today, I get as much time with the woman of my dreams as I do with my children: One day, every two weeks. She lives with me. They don't. FML

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Kids will be kids

Anonymous - 04/01/2022 02:01 - United States - West Sacramento

Today, I was at assembly in school. My friend had a water bottle. It was a squirt bottle, and he squirted me, over and over. I got ticked off, so I took it away from him, but when I took the bottle I squeezed it and it squirted all over the people in front of me. The principal saw, and I got in trouble. FML

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Rip off

sourgirl101 - 04/01/2022 04:59

Today, I learned that my daughter pocketed the money I'd paid so she could go to college. FML

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Now hireable

Anonymous - 03/01/2022 19:59

Today, I rage-quit my job because my manager put me in a situation between putting my kids or my career first. I obviously chose my kids, but I’m now an unemployed single mom of two in the middle of a pandemic, with no one hiring. FML

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How did you get in there?

sam - 02/01/2022 20:02 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I got stuck in the drier. My step-brother came to help out. His pullout game is weak. He literally could not pull me out of the drier and had to call a handyman. FML

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Close to you

dumbestgalever - 02/01/2022 17:01 - United States - Andrews

Today, my boyfriend was complaining about his kids being hard to handle. He repeatedly said the other day that if he had a woman to help then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. I don’t really know how to take that, since I’ve said multiple times I’m willing to meet them. I feel like I’m too close, too soon. FML

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Bad boy

Anonymous - 02/01/2022 05:01

Today, my son accused me of being a "Karen" about house rules, and insists he’ll follow normal rules but ignore my supposedly "insane" rules. I consider all my rules normal, so he pointed out he’s 6ft6 and 100 lbs heavier so he will ignore rules he doesn’t agree with, and good luck stopping him. FML

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WTF dad?

Anonymous - 01/01/2022 01:59

Today, my husband ranted about how children are awful, and parents who claim they love their kids are complete liars, and if everyone admitted that we hated our kids and resented them for existing, there’d be a lot more happy childless couples. We don’t even have kids for him to hate this much. WTF? FML

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The Final Countdown

Excalibur6669 - - United States - Parlin

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

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Kid A

Anonymous - 31/12/2021 14:01

Today, my adult son is visiting, sick on my couch with influenza A. He's spent all week screaming about how anti vaxxers are stupid, but admits that he didn't get a flu shot because, "they don't work." I got my flu shot and still got sick because I'm immunocompromised. He fails to see the irony. FML

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Didn't see ya there!

Anonymous - - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I was enthusiastically pointing his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

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Biblical

Anonymous - 26/12/2021 20:01

Today, my son has a habit of picking on his little brother when in a bad mood. I heard a massive crash and found him out cold with his little brother holding a homemade slingshot and a bunch of rocks. Apparently, in school they just learned about David and Goliath. FML

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Souvenir

nick - 26/12/2021 08:01 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I found out my son’s middle name was named after my wife’s muscled up highschool ex-boyfriend who cheated on her and who she sometimes still brings up. She tells me it’s nothing and still acts like I’m crazy for communicating my worry to her. FML

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Hail Santa

Holidayruined - 26/12/2021 10:59

Today, my 16 year-old son had a tantrum over me asking him to clean up his room, and decided to tell my 6 year-old daughter that Santa isn't real, and that it was me who bought her presents. My daughter is inconsolable. FML

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Revelations

ed5509 - 25/12/2021 22:59 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I received a text from a man my wife had an affair with, in which he stated that my 18 year-old daughter is biologically his. He then sent me pictures of her that my wife had sent to him. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

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Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

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