Kids

Influencer brain

Anonymous - 06/07/2022 16:00

Today, my stepdaughter called me "Dad" for the first time. It was quite an emotional moment, until I realised she was just recording my reaction for a stupid TikTok, and didn’t really mean it. She’s pulled some pranks before, but this time I’m done with her, she can fuck right off from now on. FML

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Admit you're shit

disgusted - - United States - East Waterboro

Today, while I was working as a teacher at a daycare, a two year-old girl decided the best way to share that she had pooped was to reach in her diaper and attempt to hand some to me. FML

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Under pressure

No Pressure - 06/07/2022 04:00

Today, my mom asked me out of the blue if I was ever going to consider getting married. It wasn't until after the conversation ended that I remembered my siblings are all either single like I am, or incapable of having children. I am my mother's last hope of becoming a grandma, and she reminds me all the time. FML

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Squeeze

ShutUp007 - - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if life gives you lemons, your sister is going to squeeze them over your face while you take a nap on the couch. FML

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Smash the patriarchy

Anonymous - 05/07/2022 02:00

Today, at the gym, a guy yelled at me to stop lifting more than his son, because I was embarrassing him by being a girl and lifting more. His son must have been 15 and I almost qualified for the Olympics, but sure I’ll hold back to spare the feelings of a misogynistic 15 year-old little bitch. FML

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Scooby snacks

Anonymous - 04/07/2022 07:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was frantically woken up from a nap by my son who was scared because there was a dog in the house. We don't own a dog. It was the new neighbor's dog. When my son opened the door to go play outside, the dog came barreling in. My kid and cats were terrified. FML

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Hot to handle

Anonymous - 04/07/2022 06:00

Today, my autistic son put me in the hospital for the eighth time since Xmas. I've been begging the council to put him into an adult care facility for my safety, yet they say he doesn’t meet criteria. Eight hospital visits. Does he need to kill me first to get their attention? FML

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Some things aren't obvious

Anonymous - 03/07/2022 04:00

Today, my now ex-girlfriend accused me of wasting a year of her life when I told her I seriously don’t want kids. We’ve never discussed kids until today, but I’ve always known I never wanted them. Apparently she does want them, so she considers our whole relationship as a waste of a year. FML

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It's not what you think

David - 02/07/2022 19:00 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had the front door open, and my cat Watson, who I often call Little Boy, was sitting in front of the screen door. I wanted to close the door so, speaking to my cat, I said, "Come here, Little Boy," at which point a young child came running up to my door. His dad yelled, "Get back here!" FML

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The state of sex ed

Jon - 01/07/2022 20:00 - Canada - Kanata

Today, I'm a divorced father, and my daughter is having a sleepover with 5 friends. They are about to jump in the hot tub and one of them is using one of my girlfriend's tampons. This led to a discussion about virginity and hymens. The quality of sex ed in my province is terrible, but I'm hiding instead of correcting them. FML

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But mah grandbabiiiiies

Anonymous - 01/07/2022 02:00

Today, according to my mom, she didn’t make the selfless decision to have me just for me to grow up and make the completely selfish decision not to marry my long term partner, nor to give her any grandkids. FML

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Spoiled

ugh - 30/06/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, my beyond spoiled stepdaughter threw a massive fit, swearing she was going to sue her employer for discrimination after firing her. Her dumbass believed she could take her dog to work with her, and the company couldn’t legally ask if it was a service animal or not. She worked at McDonald’s. FML

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Boys will be annoying boys

shouldve used a condom - 29/06/2022 14:00

Today, I was under the impression that my kids would eventually grow out of wanting to watch me use the bathroom. Instead, my 7 year-old son attempted to pick the lock so he could watch me take a shit and make fun of me for it. FML

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CPS

Bad Parent -

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

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Wingnut

Anonymous - 29/06/2022 06:00

Today, my son actually tried to get out of being arrested by claiming he was “an agent” and unless they let him go, his employers “from the government” would come looking for him and there would be “consequences”. The officers eventually got their breath back from laughing at him. FML

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GOT FML

so not funny! - 28/06/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I, as well as our two oldest kids, have dark hair. Our youngest came out with very blonde hair, like my older brother's. My husband insists on calling the baby our little “golden-haired Lannister”, no matter how many times I’ve asked him to stop. He thinks it’s hilarious. FML

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Psycho

Anonymous - 27/06/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, I came home early to find my (now ex) girlfriend having a screaming argument with my son, because he caught her trying to burn pictures of my late wife. I'm back to being single, but at least I can be proud of my son for standing up to her (he's usually very timid). Can't believe I was dating that psycho. FML

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Consequences

you’re one to talk! - 26/06/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML

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Baby come back

Lost - 27/06/2022 00:00

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from school. The secretary said that my husband had already picked her up two hours ago. I don't have a husband. He left while I was pregnant with her 6 years ago. The secretary said “no one told her” she had to check ID’s before releasing a child for early dismissal. FML

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The grey zone

Anonymous - 26/06/2022 18:00

Today, man do I feel old. For the first time ever, a teen thug with more acne spots than brain cells told me to, “Piss off grandad.” Grandad? Guess I look older than I feel. FML

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Help, I need somebody!

Almost40 - 26/06/2022 16:00

Today, it's my birthday, and like every other Sunday, my wife's been called into work, and I'm left with our three toddlers and yesterday's mess to clean up. It's raining. FML

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It's not a phase, mom!

Anonymous - 26/06/2022 02:00

Today, my son wears all dark clothes, has gotten evil looking tattoos, and worships the devil. It was kinda cute when he was 13, slightly concerning when he turned 18, but now he’s 30 and I’m unsure if I should be more accepting of his lifestyle or just plain old shit scared. FML

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Not for everyone

Anonymous - 25/06/2022 10:00

Today, and ever since I gave birth to my son, I’ve hated being a mom. I held him, waiting for the rush of love my mom told me I’d feel and… nothing, I was completely emotionless about holding my newborn son and it’s gotten worse. I really hate being a mom, and my husband just does not understand. FML

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Time to move

Anonymous - 24/06/2022 14:00

Today, I was trying to relax on the beach after a stressful day, just to overhear a bunch of kids near me start fighting over who pooped in the hole they'd dug in the sand. FML

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Technically

MoshiBak - 24/06/2022 12:00

Today, our little family business was asked to do a presentation at my daughter's school. When we got there and I saw her, I waved to her happily but she totally blanked me, plus my super strict mom smacked me on the back of the head for embarrassing her by not acting professionally while I was technically working. FML

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TMI

queenxalee - - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

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Sit down, old man

Anonymous - 23/06/2022 22:00

Today, my husband is sulking because our daughter's first boyfriend is a rugby-playing giant he can’t scare away with the standard father's threat of a good beating unless he treats our daughter well. I married a real idiot manchild. FML

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I'm in this FML and I don't like it

Anonymous - 23/06/2022 06:00

Today, my son has decided he doesn’t want children, or pets, or friends, or a girlfriend, or to visit his living relatives, except for me. I’m scared that once I’m dead he’ll disappear into his house and never come out until the neighbours notice the smell after he’s dead. FML

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Teenage jealousy

Anonymous - 22/06/2022 16:00

Today, we missed our flights to our dream honeymoon destination, which we were lucky to get with so many flight cancellations, because my selfish stepdaughter anonymously called the airline to report us for drug smuggling, all because I married her dad this afternoon. FML

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Call CPS, quick

jessloveskate - 22/06/2022 12:00

Today, I saw a kid throwing a tantrum in a supermarket. Thinking it was a matter of lack of discipline, I waited for the kid’s mother to come out of the bathroom to tell her how naughty her son was being. I then got to watch her beat her son to the point of unconsciousness. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I am 10 years clean from an opiate addiction. It’s also been 10 years since I began suffering from severe restless legs syndrome, to the point I cry from frustration and sleep deprivation almost every night. I’ve tried several medications, they don’t help. A recent injury has made me realize opiates do. FML

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Today, I let my little sister sleep in my room because she had a nightmare. She is currently snoring like an overweight 40 year-old man with a cold. FML

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Today, I was asleep on a plane. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone around us laughed. FML

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Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe… with my foot. FML

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Today, my 6 year-old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair whose leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?" He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

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Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

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