Awkward

Blackout

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 06:00

Today, after sexting with my wife for the whole day, I came home to a dark house due to a blackout. Being horny, I went in and started humping her from the back. She screamed. It was my mom who came to supply candles during the blackout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 2 550

Excuses excuses

By Sparky - 05/11/2022 02:00

Today, I realized my ex-boyfriend is still in love with me. I told him I could never date him or be anything more than friends, telling him it’s creepy, but his response was, “Oh, well, my autism makes me see things differently.” I can’t get through to this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 225

Bad timing

By Sorry granny - 04/11/2022 12:00 - United States

Today, I learned that when a fly goes up your shirt into your armpit, it tickles very badly. I also found out that it's hard to explain this to your mother while she's trying to have a serious conversation with you about your grandmother's rapidly deteriorating health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 155

Social pariah

By Anonymous - 04/11/2022 12:00

Today, I was out with friends, A girl approached me out of nowhere and gave me a peck on the cheek, then yelled to my friend, "I kissed him, where's that drink you promised?" only for him to equally loudly reply, "I said I'd buy you a drink to TALK to him." Apparently, even bribery isn't enough for a woman to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 112

Theater kid issues

By Belle - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 767

You deserved it 1 460

Bad sign

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 20:00 - United States - Enid

Today, my 24 year-old boyfriend said that he wanted to move out of our apartment, but also stay in a relationship. He's moving back in with his parents, over two hours away. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 133

Egg mode activated

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 18:00

Today, my girlfriend insisted on dressing me up in her clothes, to spice things up. After dolling me up in a dress, heels, wig, etc., she goes to the store for wine but left her key behind. Thirty minutes later, the doorbell goes, so I open it in all my feminine glory, only to see a UPS guy standing holding a parcel and not my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 831

Bad vibes

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 16:00

Today, a guy I went on a few dates with and was looking forward to seeing again this Wednesday told me he is not sure he sees this going anywhere. This always happens and I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I have lost hope in finding a boyfriend ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 192

NSFW

By Pornstartled - 03/11/2022 14:00 - Netherlands - Zutphen

Today, my manager called when I was watching porn. I picked up after pausing the video, but somehow the video kept playing. I'm pretty sure she definitely heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 1 420

It's my face

By Hamza - 02/11/2022 22:00 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, I took my friend to the hospital because he was sick. The doctor started asking me questions, as he thought I was the sick one. When I told him I wasn't sick, my friend was, he said, "You look more sick than him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 122

Cancel the wedding

By Anonymous - 02/11/2022 14:00

Today, I tried to talk to my soon-to-be-husband about how he needs to take a more active approach in his own life. It devolved to him screaming at me and putting words in my mouth. This has been going on for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 682

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - 01/11/2022 18:00

Today, I was at a restaurant with a friend when she said, "Oh, I have to arrange a meet up between you and a friend. She's just your type: she has daddy issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 176

Left on read

By Anonymous - 01/11/2022 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling saucy so I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. He then set it as his laptop's desktop screen, took a picture, then sent to me saying, "Hmm, should probably change this before Monday", only he didn't send it me, he sent to his family group chat with his mum and sisters and didn't realise. Everyone saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 452

Wait til you're 50

By Anonymous - 01/11/2022 00:00

Today, I read an FML about a guy who only kissed his girlfriend to make her shut up up. I left a comment, telling him to break up with her and stop wasting her time, only to realise I’d wasted 3 years on my abusive alcoholic ex. I’m now 30 and starting to think I’m getting too old to find someone and have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 490

Bork, bork, bork!

By Anonymous - 31/10/2022 22:00

Today, after I'd met a nice guy and went on some really nice dates, I decided to sleep with him. I knew he had only been intimate once, so I expected some awkwardness, or that he might struggle. I didn't, however, expect that in bed he would sound like a cross between the Road Runner and the Swedish Chef Muppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 355

Plop!

By Anonymous - 31/10/2022 16:00

Today, I pissed out a kidney stone the size of a sweetcorn. Doesn’t sound big, but you just try pissing one out. My poor knob feels like it’s been attacked by rusty steel wool wrapped around a full-speed drill bit. I’m genuinely scared that the next time I piss will be full of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 156

Foreshadowing

By anon - 31/10/2022 10:00

Today, I overheard my girlfriend talking to her friends, saying the most attractive guys are tall and dark-skinned. I'm about average height and pale. Uh-oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 137

Hashtag Not All Men, but quite a few, eh?

By Anonymous - 30/10/2022 21:00 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was having some fun with a guy, but I had to fake orgasm twice just so he would get out of me it was that shit. Third guy in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 1 175

Cheap

By Nator - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2-for-1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 772

You deserved it 5 266

Teambuilding

By Anonymous - 30/10/2022 10:00 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my team and I were given the options to travel together by company bus, or self-drive to a company outing. We all chose to self-drive. Our boss got extremely mad and said we had no team spirit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 201

3-in-1

By Anonymous - 30/10/2022 02:00

Today, I noticed my good shampoo was disappearing faster than usual. My boyfriend is bald so I just thought I was being silly, until I tried to join him in the shower for sexy time and found him using the shampoo on his balls and ass crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 276

Classic line

By David - 29/10/2022 22:00

Today, after celebrating our 5 year anniversary, my girl told me that’s she loves me, but is not in love with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 109

Please don't do that

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 364

You deserved it 22 555

It's me!

By He who must not be named - 28/10/2022 19:00 - United States

Today, my mom struggled tried to say my name. She said my brother's name, my sister's, my dad's, my uncle's, and finally my cat's (who doesn't even have a human name) before she gave up and said, "You!" and pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 124

Classic blunder

By Anonymous - 28/10/2022 16:00

Today, I had a phone call from a company I was applying to. It was going really well, until the call ended. Now since I'm so used to calling my girlfriend, I ended the call with, "Love you, bye." And if things couldn't get any worse, I started swearing to myself. The recruitment officer heard me. I forgot to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 889

Get a load of this guy

By Anonymous - 28/10/2022 14:00

Today my dad asked if he could walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I was just too speechless to respond. He asked me on my doorstep, at 2 a.m., which was also our first ever meeting since he abandoned my mom when she was 5 months pregnant with me, and just disappeared for 28 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 95

Fight club

By Anonymous - 28/10/2022 12:00

Today, I was out with my girlfriend when my ex-father-in-law, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, saw us. I don’t know what he was doing out by himself, but he still thinks I’m married to his daughter, so when he saw us he thought I was cheating and knocked my tooth out with his walking stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 240

You deserved it 92

The mouthfeel

By Anonymous - 28/10/2022 04:00

Today, I went to the doctor, who confirmed I have a minor infection 'down there'. It’s not sexually transmitted, but since there were no obvious symptoms, he asked how I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t tell him my husband was going down on me and noticed it tasted different from normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 268

Blissful ignorance

By Anonymous - 27/10/2022 14:00

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the phrase "turn me on" does NOT mean "make me happy." At least not in the context she was using it. She was adamant that her definition was the correct one. I'm not sure I've convinced her what it actually means. Send help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 162

Nepotism

By emmalou - 27/10/2022 06:00

Today, I was let go from my job that I have been at for 6 months, all because someone from the past wants to come back, and the current office manager will be going on maternity leave. I'm just collateral damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 115

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 671

You deserved it 3 134

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 271

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 970

You deserved it 41 470

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 073

You deserved it 16 619

Today, after waking up to a spilled bottle of juice on my clothes, I heard my ex died. Whilst baking cookies to distract myself, I melted my work laptop on the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 316

Today, my boss decided our 4 year relationship was unethical, so she broke up with me, then terminated my employment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 169

You deserved it 6 615