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Trust

By Anonymous - 31/03/2016 23:43 - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 790

You deserved it 1 562

I can't help it

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 17:47 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 264

You deserved it 11 951

By Gale - 13/01/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 879

You deserved it 52 981

Bosom buddies

By Lennie Mcfish - 06/07/2020 14:02

Today, while caring for my drunk girlfriend, she confessed that she cheated on me 3 different times with my sister. Now I know why they are always spending time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 172

You deserved it 185

Like riding a bike

By my teeth! - 24/07/2020 14:07

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 387

That one Dire Straits song

By HBCRUISER - 18/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 664

You deserved it 303

I think it's cool

By Elizabeth Ann - 21/09/2018 14:00

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 499

You deserved it 1 051

By JK - 01/02/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 979

You deserved it 4 736

By tillybonkers - 26/09/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of HIV testing here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 161

You deserved it 308

Party in my underpants!

By Anonymous - 06/08/2020 14:02

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 376

Caught red-knobbed

By Anonymous - 27/01/2010 02:28 - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 859

You deserved it 30 832

By grannysmack - 11/07/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 889

You deserved it 6 561

By Anonymous - 12/01/2015 01:14 - Australia - Attadale

Today, after listening to a group of my friends ranting on about how much they love babies and can't wait to have them, I got to witness their looks of horror and disgust as I expressed my desire to not have children. I also happened to be the only girl there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 890

You deserved it 3 738

By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 07:54 - South Africa

Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 148

You deserved it 2 565

Unaware ableist

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 2 153

By MrRadin - 04/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 385

You deserved it 2 358

By Anonymous - 28/12/2014 18:41 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 751

You deserved it 3 330

By lyfisdyno - 12/09/2013 00:16 - United Kingdom - Malvern

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 812

You deserved it 74 108

By Anonymous - 16/02/2016 13:49 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 862

You deserved it 3 799

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 16:57 - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 321

You deserved it 1 390

Can you hear me, Dave?

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 219

What are you doing?

By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to come if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 694

You deserved it 5 082

By Karaoke Queen - 20/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 713

You deserved it 711

Congratulations

By stdpositivenow - 18/10/2011 14:16 - United States

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 766

You deserved it 5 132

By moosemay - 19/01/2016 17:03 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 262

You deserved it 1 535

By tattooapprentice - 01/12/2018 17:30

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 449

By Anonymous - 09/01/2016 04:01 - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 420

You deserved it 2 029

By CatLover - 06/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 519

You deserved it 2 793

By notgay - 25/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 998

You deserved it 3 807

Dumbass customers

By Fitz - 29/07/2013 06:30 - United States

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 648

You deserved it 4 441

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The Top

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 259

You deserved it 1 251

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 2 561

Today, my friend and I were trying out a site on which you talk to strangers using a mic and webcam. We came across a cute guy, who said to my friend, "Tell the fat guy to move." He was referring to me. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 753

You deserved it 5 829

Today, in Home Ec, I struggled to open the microwave for almost 10 minutes in front of the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 362

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 762

You deserved it 34 266

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 688

You deserved it 2 976