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By anonymous - 07/07/2016 15:24 - United States

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 816

You deserved it 1 039

Observational comedy

By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 370

Official meeting

By Anonymous - 03/01/2020 18:33

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 706

You deserved it 229

Temper tantrum

By QueenCortana Tiffany Turner - 07/02/2020 14:00

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 355

You deserved it 302

By Haley. - 26/03/2010 23:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 339

You deserved it 6 547

Go away

By pokèscared - 10/03/2020 05:00

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 592

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister, saying, "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 998

You deserved it 8 786

Dad Jokes, part 36646

By JackSoda - 26/03/2020 17:01

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 495

You deserved it 256

Marriage (Dress) Story

By Anonymous - 02/04/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 825

You deserved it 163

By anonymous - 03/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Spicy

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 710

You deserved it 45 099

By JJMan217 - 29/03/2011 06:28 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 349

You deserved it 77 023

By goldenpuppy - 19/05/2016 20:54 - United States - Somerville

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 158

You deserved it 1 090

One ring to…

By bchorror - 22/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 1 195

By almostkilledmyself - 29/12/2012 07:30 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 235

You deserved it 32 332

By Mom2boysonly - 15/06/2018 20:30

Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 395

By stop_crying - 11/05/2016 18:55 - United States

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 497

You deserved it 1 547

You walked into that situation, mate

By sylverster - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 970

You deserved it 57 550

By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - 11/12/2012 07:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 537

You deserved it 3 408

NOT NOW!

By AintEasyBeinWheezy - 28/04/2016 18:26 - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 358

You deserved it 1 054

By bestnameright - 10/12/2012 03:53 - United States - Washington

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 584

You deserved it 2 063

bestnameright tells us more.

bestnameright 14

Monday 10 December 2012 21:43

Actually when I told my humanities teacher about the project I learned that my math teacher has a degree in literature or something. 0_0

By RollieCollieUSA - 30/01/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her iTunes was on random. "Rape Me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 744

You deserved it 6 674

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 304

You deserved it 6 313

By cheyeahh6 - 17/11/2013 22:41 - Australia - Toorak

Today, while working at McDonald's, an angry customer called asking for his money back. Apparently we'd put 6 cheeseburgers in his bag instead of 5, he ate them all and now feels sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 576

You deserved it 3 053

cheyeahh6 tells us more.

cheyeahh6 16

Monday 18 November 2013 21:46

Hello! Wow, was NOT expecting this to get published! Just to let you all know what happened in more detail, the guy came through the drive thru around 3am and ordered $80 worth of food. I must have either read the order wrong or counted wrong and put in an extra cheeseburger. When he called back, I picked up, and he verbally abused me for about 2 minutes about how he was feeling sick because of my ignorance and that I should have known better. When I gave the phone to my manager, she listened, then sighed and responded with, "you're an idiot" and hung up. Haha. He then came back and we had to call the police to make him leave because he was clogging up the drive thru. Unfortunately, we've dealt with worse people.

The end of the road

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 23:04

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 044

You deserved it 408

Fitness

By mobster - 26/07/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 359

You deserved it 19 708

By random guy - 30/03/2016 06:49 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 153

You deserved it 1 870

By Blie - 04/09/2018 20:30

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 4 239

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 21:22 - United States - New York

Spicy

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 142

You deserved it 9 387

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 19:07 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I spent a lot of money buying a birthday gift for a close friend, only to find out I'm not even invited to the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 399

You deserved it 1 867

By Anonymous - 24/03/2016 05:25 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 437

You deserved it 7 024

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 670

You deserved it 1 450

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 055

You deserved it 5 275

Today, I work in HR and last week we'd hired an apprentice for our repair shop. He was great. I spent $500 company dollars on his uniform. Later, he called me saying he had been offered a job paying $10 more an hour than what we were offering, as much as our experienced workers make. I either have to match it, or be out a helper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 1 112

Today, due to some serious health and financial issues, I literally have no choice but to have my mom watch my kids. She's turned my son into the most spoiled insufferable brat, I can’t stand it. Then I feel like I’m punishing him at home for what his grandmother enforces in hers. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 200

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 449

You deserved it 6 768

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 256

You deserved it 3 187