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By max - 03/01/2012 19:36 - United States

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

agreeclassic 18 096

vote type 1 30 417

By thathurt - 01/01/2012 00:51 - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

agreeclassic 37 083

vote type 1 8 403

By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

agreeclassic 54 517

vote type 1 4 196

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

agreeclassic 41 961

vote type 1 3 470

By checkup - 15/07/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

agreeclassic 43 360

vote type 1 5 091

By Anonymous - 23/02/2012 13:49 - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

agreeclassic 13 225

vote type 1 44 779

By UH-OH - 15/03/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk-rock guy on a plane. I tried impressing him by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked on The Who and opened a large window with the album cover so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was faced with a giant picture of Miley Cyrus. FML

agreeclassic 17 707

vote type 1 117 585

Thanks for the support

By Unluckiest Guy of the group - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

agreeclassic 39 398

vote type 1 5 112

On the fence

By fuckyouverymuch - 13/06/2013 10:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

agreeclassic 52 009

vote type 1 26 799

By lamsolonely - 12/05/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my little brothers wouldn't stop teasing me over the fact that I'm a virgin and they are not. They are 13 and 16, I'm 22. What's worse? My dad quickly joined them. FML

agreeclassic 63 253

vote type 1 7 562

By Men '86 - 24/07/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

agreeclassic 17 032

vote type 1 39 350

By Rowansgonnarow - 05/07/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

agreeclassic 51 450

vote type 1 15 963

By aelia_oups - 31/12/2012 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

agreeclassic 52 353

vote type 1 7 542

By SpLo0gIeR - 13/02/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML

agreeclassic 11 764

vote type 1 55 025

SpLo0gIeR app_comment_confession_title

SpLo0gIeR 9

Monday 13 February 2012 21:00

Funny thing is he laughed and gave me a warning :)

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

agreeclassic 33 277

vote type 1 4 669

By apav - 11/06/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

agreeclassic 85 919

vote type 1 24 416

No rizz

By blackitalian - 26/11/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist, and ran. FML

agreeclassic 15 163

vote type 1 31 836

By Username - 04/08/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

agreeclassic 46 035

vote type 1 3 834

The wagon

By mhmm... cumsquats - 09/02/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

agreeclassic 17 941

vote type 1 61 453

By karmavictim - 18/03/2011 11:28

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

agreeclassic 38 115

vote type 1 10 934

By TheTruthofWomen - 04/11/2013 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

agreeclassic 70 250

vote type 1 4 680

By Santa - 12/12/2011 21:45 - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

agreeclassic 43 082

vote type 1 4 411

By sadface - 03/02/2010 11:58 - France

Today, I found out that I'm not actually pregnant. I've apparently been having a hysterical pregnancy because I want a child so badly. I don't know which was worse, the look of relief on my husband's face or having to send a mass email to inform my family and friends. FML

agreeclassic 33 083

vote type 1 9 177

By epiiphany - 16/12/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

agreeclassic 41 048

vote type 1 5 349

By 8sq - 11/06/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

agreeclassic 32 616

vote type 1 16 363

Love is…

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

agreeclassic 36 479

vote type 1 8 876

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

agreeclassic 59 848

vote type 1 3 257

By blank - 21/07/2010 13:52 - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

agreeclassic 33 365

vote type 1 4 124

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

agreeclassic 18 507

vote type 1 36 791

By Great. - 18/05/2012 15:05 - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

agreeclassic 26 023

vote type 1 5 350

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Top

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

agreeclassic 41 501

vote type 1 3 340

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

agreeclassic 13 522

vote type 1 986

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

agreeclassic 1 731

vote type 1 451

Today, my son no longer tries to sneak in and out of the house at inappropriate times. Now, he just brazenly walks out, ignoring me when I ask where he’s going, then walks back in at like 4 in the morning, and again ignores me because he’s still on his phone to someone. FML

agreeclassic 462

vote type 1 1 070

Today, I tested positive for COVID-19. I just spent 5 weeks at a job training and was supposed to go on holiday on Monday, the first since 2019. Now I can’t even go home and hug my son. FML

agreeclassic 883

vote type 1 189

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

agreeclassic 30 055

vote type 1 2 583