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By Emma-Louise - 20/05/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 437

You deserved it 14 375

By OhHeySlogan - 06/11/2011 18:24 - United States

Today, I picked up a broken piece of seemingly velvety cactus to show my mom. I now have a million microscopic, painful splinters in my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 963

You deserved it 40 946

OhHeySlogan tells us more.

OhHeySlogan 4

Monday 7 November 2011 5:31

I'm the OP. That's what I did and it worked. Haha I'm still finding a few stragglers though.

By shadowsorel - 30/08/2012 20:34 - United States - Chicago

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 429

You deserved it 2 669

By lisa321 - 02/04/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, I went to Starbucks to get coffee. The employees told me that there was no more coffee. I started cursing at them and told them that I am in a really big hurry, and that I need coffee every day. They had been yelling back the whole time. Little did I realize, they were saying April Fool's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 526

You deserved it 116 499

By Anonymous - 30/08/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 331

You deserved it 2 155

By Anonymous - 30/07/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 394

You deserved it 81 723

By Anonymous - 12/06/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 883

You deserved it 10 835

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 076

You deserved it 86 781

Smoke 'em if you've got 'em

By Dumbweed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of the smell of marijuana in the house. So I confessed and told her I'll never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 336

You deserved it 68 171

By sarskii - 16/08/2010 23:01 - United States

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 023

You deserved it 19 542

By Anonymous - 27/08/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 504

You deserved it 6 656

By RainCl0ud - 27/08/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 522

You deserved it 5 213

RainCl0ud tells us more.

RainCl0ud 22

Wednesday 2 March 2016 12:13

OP here. This man is my husband now, and all these years later, he still tries to bite me every now and then. It doesn't happen often enough for me to discuss it with him and I don't want to embarrass him when it does happen. It doesn't hurt but I just don't enjoy it.

Cash grab

By Anonymous - 23/04/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 917

You deserved it 74 298

By I_dislike_Twilight - 08/09/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 409

You deserved it 4 712

Fresh and not Fit

By Anonymous - 14/06/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 819

You deserved it 54 662

By Melaknee - 19/03/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 471

You deserved it 149 851

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 07:31 - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 853

You deserved it 51 407

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 07/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 493

You deserved it 3 638

By jgdgjyfg - 25/07/2011 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 198

You deserved it 8 912

What am I doing?

By janesays - 24/02/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, my 2 year-old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 597

You deserved it 66 584

By sarahh38 - 16/09/2009 18:23 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 171

You deserved it 105 582

By TiredMom - 16/02/2012 21:42 - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 981

You deserved it 10 104

By fuckmuppeter512 - 04/01/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 953

You deserved it 8 716

Panic on the streets

By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 560

You deserved it 49 654

Rainy day

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 056

You deserved it 7 924

Tact and charm

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 100

You deserved it 4 213

By evilmuffinlord - 18/06/2013 06:34 - United States - Houston

Today, my parents took my iPad back to the store and exchanged it for two cheap knock off tablets. Reason being my little brother threatened to run away because I had one and he didn't. I bought the iPad on my own after graduation. They kept the difference in price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 403

You deserved it 3 984

evilmuffinlord tells us more.

evilmuffinlord 14

Tuesday 18 June 2013 17:52

hello! OP here. Originally, I was very upset, I hadn't been home when it happened and when I came back I found out. I have since talked to my parents, and found out my mom was the one who did it, but she put the extra money back into my bank account. I do live with my parents until I go off to college. The Ipad was an overzealous purchase, and after messing with the tablet its not so bad. As for my brother, my dad sat him down and talked to him about how it was wrong to do that and he needs to earn stuff, etc etc etc. And his tablet will be returned. So I guess in a sense everything is ok now. xD I wasnt expecting to have this accepted, I didn't even have an account till this morning.

By beya - 31/08/2009 22:05 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 007

You deserved it 5 899