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By oops - 22/08/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 534

You deserved it 50 770

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 180

You deserved it 12 547

By tampondealer - 09/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 156

You deserved it 2 799

By GreenMonstR - 25/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 258

You deserved it 4 782

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 04:31 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 125

You deserved it 3 631

By Sebastian20 - 08/05/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 356

You deserved it 15 628

By Anon - 06/09/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 887

You deserved it 1 826

By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/04/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 851

You deserved it 5 112

By wasntme - 30/03/2009 10:14 - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 593

You deserved it 7 457

By defrauded - 08/03/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 833

You deserved it 3 071

You tried…

By Emoney1 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 688

You deserved it 7 009

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 16:14 - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 695

You deserved it 3 886

By OhDamn - 16/09/2009 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, there was a knock at my door, and I was greeted by a punch to the face. The man was the extremely angry "fiancé" of the girl I've been married to for just over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 043

You deserved it 3 009

Dirty talk

By awkward - 22/02/2014 05:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 650

You deserved it 10 492

By Arielle - 31/01/2012 11:07 - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 634

You deserved it 4 412

By Oze - 18/02/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 718

You deserved it 2 882

They think it's all over… it is now

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refereeing a soccer match and I called a foul. An angry coach kept screaming at me, saying, "You're crazy!" I asked him to leave the field. As he left, he lifted his middle finger and screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I ref 5-year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 052

You deserved it 3 475

By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 230

You deserved it 5 043

By SadFace - 12/09/2013 12:39 - Australia - Newmarket

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 842

You deserved it 3 864

By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 2 655

The voice

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Madison

Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 515

You deserved it 10 175

Snark

By hahasuckit - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled, "Yeah, right…" in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 726

You deserved it 5 481

Been around the world and I, I, I, I can't find my luggage

By 1942ford - 23/07/2013 02:18 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 234

You deserved it 3 828

By FalloutScrolls - 13/11/2015 14:49 - United States - Eau Claire

Today, I got several angry messages on Facebook, demanding to know how I could cheat on my wife. They didn't believe me when I said I had no idea what they meant. Turns out my wife made a sarcastic post about my "new mistress". She was talking about Fallout 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 339

You deserved it 3 022

FalloutScrolls tells us more.

FalloutScrolls 25

Saturday 14 November 2015 2:18

Hey guys, OP here. So the actual FML character limit doesn't allow for part 2 of this story. My wife actually did mention Fallout in the post, but because it was rather lengthy and the punchline was towards the end, people knee-jerk overreacted to what they saw, and didn't notice that the long post was abbreviated on Facebook with a "read more" link. Several messages later, all is cleared up, and we're laughing about it now.

By ostler - 02/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 909

You deserved it 3 932

By Anonymous - 10/08/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 320

You deserved it 10 054

Functioning

By Violet - 19/04/2011 09:50 - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 321

You deserved it 3 403

By Anonymous - 19/01/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 060

You deserved it 33 056

By oh well - 10/03/2015 13:27 - United States

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 832

You deserved it 8 445

Hi there!

By curtain buyer - 09/03/2015 01:05 - United States - Albany

Spicy

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 091

You deserved it 3 713

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Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 386

You deserved it 2 704

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing "Never have I ever." My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, "Never have I ever had an orgasm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 084

You deserved it 21 530

Today, I found out that not only has my father been cheating on my mother with another woman, but they have a child together with the same name as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 269

You deserved it 4 045

Today, I had a dictation test. The whole classroom was silent, but I suddenly needed to fart. Not to break the silence, I wanted to fart slowly in the hope it would be silent. It didn't make the fart less obvious, it just made it longer, so that everyone noticed and started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 411

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 092

You deserved it 379

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 586

You deserved it 288