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By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 651

You deserved it 6 102

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 209

You deserved it 3 533

By fml - 22/06/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 486

You deserved it 5 487

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 691

You deserved it 3 279

By kiwichick4life - 30/07/2013 16:42 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 664

You deserved it 14 182

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 516

You deserved it 1 431

By Anonymous - 15/09/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 137

You deserved it 3 200

By Anonymous - 01/12/2015 09:49 - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 734

You deserved it 6 618

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 448

You deserved it 4 063

By John - 30/06/2012 05:08 - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 431

You deserved it 3 612

By Anonymous - 02/09/2016 14:50 - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 714

You deserved it 1 979

Crafty

By Anonymous - 07/08/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was supposed to be going on my first date with a guy I really liked. He never showed up. I just found out my dad was outside washing the car when my date showed up. He told him he didn't have a daughter and to never show up on his driveway again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 542

You deserved it 3 218

By doemetoch - 07/04/2014 13:49 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I really needed to be cheered up a bit after having had a horrible, depressing weekend. Luckily the guy I've been dating for some time, and who I really like, invited me over for dinner. Apparently, he wanted to see me so he could tell me he thinks we should stop seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 366

You deserved it 4 230

doemetoch tells us more.

doemetoch 28

Tuesday 8 April 2014 12:19

OP here (yeah, I decided to make an account.) You're all right about him being very polite and all that, he was super sweet and mature about it and I could see he felt genuinely bad. But you know... somehow it's easier if a guy breaks up in a stupid way, at least then you're like "ugh, whatever, I deserve better than this anyway!" Or is that just me?

By poop - 08/03/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 093

You deserved it 22 170

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 18:38 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 289

You deserved it 5 392

By sa la vash - 14/03/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 315

You deserved it 8 291

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 14:31 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 977

You deserved it 7 504

I can't help it

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 17:47 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 265

You deserved it 11 953

The ole paper cut excuse

By alliwantisabandaid - 11/02/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 282

You deserved it 3 984

Welcome!

By madelynn - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 373

You deserved it 3 116

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 524

You deserved it 2 683

Workplace hell

By insensitive prick - 19/08/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "Bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 682

You deserved it 9 061

Haunting

By right - 02/08/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in The Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 710

You deserved it 8 237

Long time, no hear

By RckRagman - 30/04/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, three of the four stalls were occupied in the restroom. I took the fourth stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I heard, "Hey, how's it going?" I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 271

You deserved it 11 498

By Unemployed - 21/09/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 773

You deserved it 2 753

By cfaul001 - 29/02/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 230

You deserved it 27 806

By teacher - 25/01/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 607

You deserved it 3 186

The truth

By catguy - 19/08/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 658

You deserved it 3 799

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 00:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 329

You deserved it 2 694

By Spike2013 - 25/02/2015 05:57 - Canada - Thompson

Today, I T-boned a woman who pulled out of a parking lot right in front of me. According to her, the accident was my fault because she "didn't see" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 884

You deserved it 2 992

Spike2013 tells us more.

Spike2013 4

Thursday 26 February 2015 5:29

Hey, OP here. I was on the road, the other driver was exiting the parking lot and pulled out directly in front of me. I hit the drivers side front fender and door on her car. I had no time to stop. Fortunately for her, I was well under the speed limit otherwise it would have been a lot worse. The police said she was 100% at fault because she didn't make sure it was safe to proceed.