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By monkeywrench - 01/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 518

You deserved it 2 899

By pleasestop - 11/06/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 219

You deserved it 3 424

By explosiveBAM - 26/05/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 057

You deserved it 56 140

No good deed…

By John - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 005

You deserved it 3 316

By tired individual - 12/01/2014 11:04 - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 231

You deserved it 3 870

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 07:52 - United States - Bend

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 546

You deserved it 6 857

By Anonymous - 27/12/2012 22:54 - Australia

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 165

You deserved it 3 162

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 21:53 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 432

You deserved it 3 510

By Miko - 01/02/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 291

You deserved it 32 476

You swam into that one

By ugh.. - 09/08/2009 15:27 - United States

Today, while working at my lifeguard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and yelled, "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 517

You deserved it 21 445

By lilipalmer - 13/02/2015 06:44 - France

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

I agree, your life sucks 525

You deserved it 57

By unknown - 24/01/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 675

You deserved it 37 715

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 779

You deserved it 3 173

By Anonymous - 16/09/2012 13:46 - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 581

You deserved it 4 124

Big kid

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 417

You deserved it 5 729

By TBTC - 31/08/2012 07:16 - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 57

By 1039583 - 03/10/2014 14:43 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, the only reason I work 12-hour shifts and close at midnight every Saturday is because my boss doesn't like the fact that I have a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 810

You deserved it 3 372

1039583 tells us more.

1039583 10

Saturday 4 October 2014 1:28

He owns the business or I would have already!! I know this because I only started closing this late after he found out I have a boyfriend.

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 906

You deserved it 69 807

Headshot

By home owner - 20/08/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower for the first time in my new apartment. The shower head broke off the wall and slammed onto my head, while spraying water everywhere. I tried to stop the water, but only stopped the cold and got burnt by the hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 773

You deserved it 3 369

By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 853

You deserved it 3 352

By kyle - 05/06/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 937

You deserved it 3 722

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 21:43 - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 169

You deserved it 4 307

By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 242

You deserved it 3 286

By inosehowthatgotthere - 10/02/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 360

You deserved it 52 606

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 333

You deserved it 1 907

By anotherfmladdict - 26/09/2013 07:06 - United States - Muscatine

Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 029

You deserved it 5 296

By Anonymous - 07/09/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 840

You deserved it 3 596

Scary

By Anonymous - 22/08/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 821

You deserved it 31 483

Drama!

By RUFckingSrs - 22/12/2015 02:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friends and I were going to Applebee's. A girl we don't like invited herself along. She waited for my friend outside of the bathroom, forced her to drive her, and said, "It's okay someone will pay for me." She then ate off of everyone's plate and left before the bill came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 138

You deserved it 3 794

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 981

You deserved it 7 218

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The Top

Today, it's been 3 weeks since we had dinner with my sister's new girlfriend, who made us a Chinese soup that was "good for digestion". I’ve had cast iron bowels for 32 years with no problems, but for the 3 weeks since that soup, I have to shit brown water 10 times a day and I’m in agony. I think she poisoned me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 158

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 252

You deserved it 114 180

Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read, "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 158

You deserved it 3 073

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 571

You deserved it 7 156

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the Chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 054

You deserved it 9 879

Today, I was at a family gathering when my aunt drunkenly confessed that she had once dated my dad in high school. Everyone laughed, thinking it was a joke. I didn’t laugh. I just stared at her for 10 minutes, processing how our family tree had now become a circle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 292