The Top

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By ew - 03/08/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 550

You deserved it 50 015

By Anonymous - 24/04/2013 18:56 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 516

You deserved it 9 873

By roomingwithevil - 09/05/2012 23:26 - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 779

You deserved it 2 074

By Anonymous - 23/04/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 240

You deserved it 5 532

By Anonymous - 19/03/2014 01:07 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 739

You deserved it 4 913

By Chuffberry - 16/02/2013 08:47 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I moved in with my new dorm mate. I'm prone to very frequent panic attacks that can only be alleviated by cold air. My roommate is severely anemic, and has violent shivering fits when the temperature is below 80. No matter what, one of us is always shaking uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 586

You deserved it 4 187

Chuffberry tells us more.

Chuffberry 8

Saturday 16 February 2013 19:08

OP here. on the preference sheet for the dorm rooms, i put that i have anxiety attacks, and my roommate put that they have anemia, but they don't sort you on your illnesses, they sort you on personality. Other than the temperature thing, we get along great.

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 14:15 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 264

You deserved it 6 184

By soccer_bball - 14/10/2013 19:32 - United States - Frisco

Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 919

You deserved it 7 066

Economics

By Stupid - 18/09/2013 08:46 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have to replace my $120 calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 889

You deserved it 68 112

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 996

You deserved it 57 433

By SpilledWater93 - 10/03/2014 03:07 - Ireland - Bray

Today, an American lady here in Ireland asked me if I was a Leprechaun. Thinking she was joking, and me being quite "vertically challenged," I decided to just say yes. She then grabbed me and made me endure photographs, cuddles and pats on the head from all her fellow tourists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 515

You deserved it 9 009

SpilledWater93 tells us more.

SpilledWater93 9

Thursday 13 March 2014 15:49

To those of you who are American, please stop apologising and feeling bad, I actually found that lady and her friends quite amusing so they made my day. And what's more the story got published on here, that's more exciting than a pot of gold any day

By cmoney6452 - 01/03/2012 16:17 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 211

You deserved it 2 518

Go home, you're drunk

By spartanson - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 039

You deserved it 4 335

Nice girl

By Lithiac - 04/02/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 604

You deserved it 4 831

By embarassed - 21/04/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 372

You deserved it 12 956

By Anonymous - 13/02/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 108

You deserved it 3 616

Last Christmas

By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 718

You deserved it 18 572

Never trust the messenger

By Teamarie - 11/08/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 178

You deserved it 21 013

Daily news

By tj85 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 578

You deserved it 2 692

Alas…

By Chris - 13/02/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 916

You deserved it 7 394

Move!

By Mogg - 18/12/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 040

You deserved it 3 278

Song sung blue

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 981

You deserved it 3 729

By waj9876 - 09/09/2011 00:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 165

You deserved it 5 048

Easy mark

By supermanj76 - 04/05/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change. Being a good man, I said sure. I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. After walking into Starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the cashier my $50 bill. She called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 909

You deserved it 23 546

Happy Birthday

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I'd ordered an Xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 350

You deserved it 3 521

By Anonymous - 03/07/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 43

By fffemaleee - 31/05/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 286

You deserved it 3 968

By too tight - 15/02/2012 11:26 - United States

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 306

You deserved it 14 072

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 19:02 - United States - Converse

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 804

You deserved it 4 539

First impressions

By medik - 23/02/2010 12:51 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 000

You deserved it 8 232

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The Top

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 020

You deserved it 1 563

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 480

You deserved it 1 015

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 910

You deserved it 1 016

Today, it's been a few months ago since we finally got the divorce we’ve wanted for years. He seems to have forgotten our shared photo library as he just uploaded a bunch of photos of all his disgusting sexual exploits, including the threesome he always wanted. Meanwhile, I can’t get so much as a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 484

You deserved it 329

Today, I got into my car in the parking lot, or at least I thought I did. I sat down, buckled up, and only noticed something was off when a guy walked over from the shopping trolley carousel, opened the passenger door and said, “Can I help you?” Same car model, wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 134

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 403

You deserved it 3 166