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By emirie - 14/11/2013 21:33 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 769

You deserved it 4 136

emirie tells us more.

emirie 21

Friday 15 November 2013 3:38

So just to clear things up, my sister isn't super crazy, although I was naturally alarmed. She's a little weird and creepy, and has no filter. Also, this happened a while ago (I had to say today, obviously), it just popped in my head the other day when the same sister told me she's pregnant. She has babysat, and has a step son as well.

Profane

By QuicksilverMaximoff - 30/01/2011 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 006

You deserved it 3 141

By hahahawoww - 31/01/2010 00:32 - United States

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 507

You deserved it 4 467

By Anonymous - 27/08/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument, which resulted in her begging for a divorce, and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 882

You deserved it 2 484

By screwed - 29/05/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I was hit by a truck while walking to school. It was the driver's fault as I was in a crosswalk. My parents met me at the hospital where I had minor injuries. They began discussing what the insurance money would be spent on. They decided on a second honeymoon to Las Vegas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 865

You deserved it 3 036

By ouch - 12/07/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 191

You deserved it 4 763

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 62

One happy family

By Anonymous - 15/07/2012 19:09 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 519

You deserved it 3 520

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 16:11 - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 005

You deserved it 6 855

Treat yourself

By dll - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 369

You deserved it 9 135

By Not So Smart - 23/07/2010 23:47 - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 587

You deserved it 48 046

By babygirllxo - 13/07/2010 18:28 - Canada

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 550

You deserved it 7 171

By divorced - 07/03/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I said to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said, "Mommy, I don't want to leave." She wasn't talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 169

You deserved it 10 458

By dontgothere - 23/02/2014 04:40 - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 573

You deserved it 6 726

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 620

You deserved it 8 264

By Anonymous - 26/04/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 890

You deserved it 3 746

By Delilah - 01/03/2010 08:53 - Norway

Today, I was at the gym with my boyfriend. He is a bit feminine, but it has never really bothered me. Until I realised I was lifting heavier weights than he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 861

You deserved it 9 790

By jeesh - 31/01/2009 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 990

You deserved it 89 378

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 244

You deserved it 2 942

By CUCKOO - 26/10/2013 21:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 385

You deserved it 5 056

By wishihadpockets - 28/01/2010 10:24 - United States

Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 270

You deserved it 43 279

By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 849

You deserved it 3 376

By kdeeeceee - 05/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 415

You deserved it 50 114

By Anonymous - 06/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 217

You deserved it 3 390

Get out there

By imnotTHATlonely - 18/05/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early birthday present. With straight faces, they looked at me and said: "We signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it'll take a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 364

You deserved it 5 814

By Trimacle - 24/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 589

You deserved it 15 832

By akieferr - 03/09/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 808

You deserved it 14 791

That's you that is

By K.H - 26/10/2009 16:42 - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 408

You deserved it 6 047

By clinictime - 11/04/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 545

You deserved it 5 053

By Widowmaker - 09/08/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I'm leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 429

You deserved it 3 533

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The Top

Today, I went to the dentist for a routine check-up, and halfway through the appointment, the dentist exclaimed, "Oops!" Turns out, he accidentally glued my lips together while fixing a tiny chip in my front tooth. I spent the next two hours communicating through exaggerated facial expressions and hand gestures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 90

Today, my husband needs the money from my job, but will in no way support me to work. He NEVER cooks, cleans, or picks up after himself. I've got no place to work, except a nook by the bathroom, and I have to manage my toddler, who always poops only when I'm in a meeting, and cries for me. Quitting my job is "out the question." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 245

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 786

You deserved it 28 113

Today, I encouraged my husband to form a band with some of his other middle-aged friends, I just had no idea they would name their band The Wet Farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 381

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 645

You deserved it 6 098

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 782

You deserved it 6 096